Standing Up To The Bully

Renegade’s Guide – Blog #7

Standing Up To The Bully

My life is pretty interesting, which is great because I suffer from SRBS, otherwise known as ‘Shiny Red Ball Syndrome’. For those who are unfamiliar with this devastating illness, it simply means that when I’m bored I get distracted easily.

‘Okay. I’m halfway done with my taxes. If I push this I can be finished in no time… Oh, Look! A shiny red ball!’

One particular day I was shopping for groceries and, while I tried my best to keep focused on the task at hand, I found myself getting… so… very… BORED! SRBS was sneaking in and I started to look for something… anything.. to distract me from my self-imposed boredom.

And that’s when I heard it.

‘I’ll KNOCK OUT ANYONE WHO STEPS UP TO ME!!!!’

My boredom disappeared and my interest was piqued.

A vary large ‘gentleman’ at the checkout counter was causing a scene. Seems he was disputing the price of a particular item and wasn’t too appreciative of the cashier’s attempts to help him. The next person in line graciously offered to pay for the items, but the large gentleman repeated his threat of knocking anyone out who got in his way.

The cashier was scared, as was the poor guy bagging groceries.

The paid security guard was nowhere to be found. Everyone else in line behind the ‘large gentleman’ was nervous and unsure of what to do. Anytime anyone said anything the large man would snap a threat right back at them. Things were getting out of hand quickly.

I did a quick assessment and came to the conclusion that this guy was having a bad day, and probably wasn’t necessarily a bad ‘guy’.

Keep in mind there’s a world of difference between the two as well as how they should be confronted. I was fairly confident that if I made my presence known that he would calm down. I didn’t want to fight this guy and I was pretty sure, if he was confronted the right way, he wouldn’t want to fight me either.

I made my way through the line of customers and stood about 6 feet away from him. I positioned myself to make sure he would see me. Instead of turning towards the check out counter I stood directly facing him.

Sure enough he turned around and saw me. His threats stopped. I wouldn’t say that he was scared, but he was certainly aware that someone was there who not only wasn’t afraid of him but also looked liked he could fight. We stared at each other for a couple of seconds, with which he calmed down, quickly paid for his items and left.

Without incident, he left.

However, a few seconds later he came back… and apologized to the people he yelled at.

‘Interesting’, I thought.

He felt remorseful about what he did, which confirmed my suspicion that he was just having a bad day, as opposed to being a bad guy.

I continued with my shopping as I now had this ‘incident’ to think about. It was obvious to me that this was a clear cut case of bullying. It was a lot of other things, as well. However, it was the bullying aspect that fascinated me the most.

Why did he snap?

Why did he think doing this at the grocery store was a good idea? Why did he have to yell threats at people?

The answer to all of these questions was the same; He thought he could get away with it. Sure, there was more to it. Something had caused him to lash out and lose control. But whereas most people would contain themselves he chose not to.

On the other hand, I was very happy with myself. I was able to help in calming down a potentially bad situation in a non-violent manner. Also, I was confident in how I did so. On top of that I wasn’t afraid to stand up for the people being bullied. It was one of those times where I felt the years of martial arts training had paid off beautifully.

And then it hit me…

How great would it have been if I was able to the same thing, with the same amount of confidence, when I was a kid? It would have been great! Beyond great! Amazingly, fantastically, great!

And then I came to the realization that, as a kid, I wouldn’t have had the same confidence that I do now because I simply wouldn’t have had the life experience nor the martial arts training that would be necessary to establish that level of confidence in the first place.

In fact, is it unfair to expect kids who do not possess an abundance of confidence to be able to stand up against a bully on behalf of someone else? Or even themselves? I believe it is.

There are a lot of kids, of all ages, in schools today who don’t have the emotional or physical tools to stand up to bullies, whether they are being bullied themselves or simply find themselves as a bystander.

But they can acquire them.

The physical tools represent the easier skill set to acquire. Whether it’s through sports, martial arts, etc., confidence in oneself physically can be obtained, as it’s a fairly straightforward process.

The emotional tools, however, are little trickier. I wonder if educators at schools really understand the folly in their words when they state a child can obtain the necessary socialization, and social skills, through interaction with their peers. I’m not saying kids can’t get what they need. I’m simply saying that a lot of kids don’t.

So where does that leave those who don’t have the emotional confidence to stand up for themselves or for someone else? How can they get the confidence and social skills they need, if not from school?

The answer lies in us; the parents, coaches, and instructors. Our job is to model the desired behavior for our kids so that they can see firsthand what it’s like to stand up for our selves, or someone else. Additionally, our ‘job’ responsibilities also require us to talk to kids about what we’re feeling and thinking about as we’re standing up. Our kids need an example to draw strength from which, in turn, helps them to better understand not just how but also why we need to stand up to bullying. Plus, it further cements in their minds the strong and emotionally stable mindset they should have when confronted with a bully.

One thing I do with my son is talk openly about incidents where I have to stand up for myself or someone else. I draw upon the Socratic Method of learning where I ask him a lot of questions, such as ‘What would you have done?’ or ‘How do you think I handled the situation?’ This gets us into some very interesting conversations about confrontations and how to manage them.

As adults, we have years of experience and (hopefully) an emotionally stable platform to help us stand up to those who would try to bully us. Therefore, it’s up to us to help our kids benefit from our hard earned life lessons so that they can take a great short cut towards obtaining the confidence and courage that we so greatly want them to have!

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie