Use Bribery to Beat Bullying! Yes, Bribery!

Renegade's Guide - Blog #9 by James Gavsie

Use Bribery to Beat Bullying! Yes, Bribery!

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! I have an official statement I need to make about bullying!

‘Bullies target shy kids!’

I know what you’re thinking. Who is this mysterious Harvard professor with a PhD in Child Psychology? What kind of Steven Hawking level genius is making this insane proclamation?

As obvious of a statement it may be the solution to overcoming shyness is not. Bullies in all their forms want easy targets. Shy kids fall under that category.

Why? Well, shy kids tend to not stand up for themselves as much as kids who are more social. Shy kids typically have less friends overall than kids who are not, and a large amount of friends is a proven bully deterrent. When I break down the less severe bullying cases I’ve dealt with in the past, I’ve noticed that shyness was a major factor in at least 40% of my clients, clients being both kids and adults.

Let me ask you this; How shy were you as kid? It was a huge problem for me. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is painfully shy and 10 is excruciatingly/painfully shy I would have registered as a 15.

There were so many reasons to literally shy away from people. I was overweight, not a great athlete, and had ZERO social skills. Sure, I had some friends but I remember it being a much less painful experience to hang out by myself. It was a simple equation, zero people around me meant zero chances of any bullying.

The bigger problem, however, was the fact that I wasn’t doing anything to overcome my shyness and fear of potential bullying. My social skills took a very LONG time to develop because I avoided situations where large groups of people gathered like the plague. I got over it, but it took a long time. Today I feel very comfortable walking into rooms where there are a lot of people I don’t know. Without a doubt in my mind, I’ll find someone interesting to talk to. To me large groups of new people represent a goldmine of potential new friends, new connections, and interesting experiences. In other words, I’m now the polar opposite of where I was when I was a kid. Or a teenager. Or a young adult.

So, how did I get over it? How did I overcome my paralyzing shyness? For me, it was because I didn’t have a choice. Moving from Canada to Atlanta, Georgia without knowing anyone literally forced me out of my comfort zone. One of the reasons I LOVE Atlanta is because of Southern Hospitality. I felt the people in Atlanta that I encountered reached out to me which made it much, much easier for me to reach out to them. That not only helped me overcome my shyness but developed a ‘social butterfly effect’. I started to meet people who were interesting, funny, helpful, etc. This meant the more people I met the more likely I would continue to encounter some absolutely amazing individuals. It was fun and exciting to not be shy anymore!

The problem is that that whole process took over twenty years, which doesn’t help those suffering from extreme shyness right now.

So I came up with a short cut. I’ve used this ‘method’ countless times throughout my anti-bullying consultation and it has had amazing results, sometimes eradicating shyness immediately.

Therapists and other child psychology specialists call it ‘Incentivizing’. I call it Bribery! A good friend of mine who is an exceptional child therapist informed me that incentivizing is the better term for what I’m advocating. He’s absolutely right! However, as I’m a Renegade by nature I’m going to stick with the term bribery.

Here’s an example of how I’ve ‘bribed’ shyness away;

A while ago a father brought his 8 year old son, let’s call him Mark, to see me. He was literally suffering from shyness, where even the thought of going into a new situation, such as recently trying out for a baseball team, would send him into a panic. Mark’s father admitted that Mark was somewhat socially awkward around other kids his age and would often be teased by things he would say. Mark wanted to have more friends but couldn’t come out of his self-imposed shell to meet new people. The bullying he encountered on a daily basis was clearly taking its toll. He was too worried about kids his own age making fun of him, or something he might say. This hit home with me.

Mark felt it was better to just stay at home and play video games because he had online friends he could virtually hang out with who liked him. Here was a situation where bullies targeted Mark because of his shyness. This, in turn, made Mark even more shy and pushed him further away from gaining the much needed social skills he desperately needed.

Mark’s dad, a guy’s guy, kept trying to convince Mark that he would keep getting bullied and pushed around if he didn’t change. He was absolutely right, but Mark wasn’t receptive to it. Mark’s father was beyond frustrated as he was the exact opposite of Mark when he grew up. He was popular, social, and a star athlete. Why couldn’t his son be the same? Mark’s father desperately wanted Mark to go to the next baseball try out which was scheduled for the weekend.

I knew what I had to do.

The first thing I did was ask Mark some questions in order to find out what did he liked to do, what video games did he like to play, etc. Turns out that, like MILLIONS of other kids throughout the world, Mark really liked to play Minecraft. He liked it so much that he wanted to become a moderator of a server, which I think meant he wanted to become the facilitator of the game in some way or form. Becoming a Moderator, however, required money to purchase a ‘server’. I’m not a Minecraft player so I’m not exactly sure what Mark was referring to but it did sound kind of cool. Mark also told me he really looked forward to Saturdays because he could play Minecraft all day!

I asked Mark how badly he wanted to be a moderator, or as he called it, a ‘Mod’. He came out of his shell immediately. He told me he wanted it more than anything. This further annoyed Mark’s father but I gave him a look that combined the messages of ‘Its okay I’ve got this’ and ‘Please, shut up.’ As a former techno nerd, I was communicating to Mark on a geek to geek level, something far beyond most normal people’s comprehension. We talked more about Minecraft and I purposely got Mark more and more excited about how great being a ‘Mod’ would be. Mark was supercharged with excitement and repeatedly expressed how he wished there was a way to get the money he so desperately needed.

‘I’ve got an idea!’ I said. ‘I know how you can make the money you need to be a ‘Mod’ on Minecraft.’

By this point, Mark’s father was fuming. The last thing he wanted was for Mark to be spending more time playing video games! Mark was going insane with visions of Minecraft excitement!

‘Here’s what you’re going to do. When you go to the Baseball try outs you will have to get the names of 10 kids, as well as an interesting fact about each of them. You’ll need 10 full names, and some piece of information about all of them. You’ll have to write them down and present the info to your father. If you do that, your father will give you the money you need.

This stopped Mark in his tracks. He started to process the task I had just given him. The mental and emotional math was going on his head, I could see it; ’10 Names + Baseball – Shyness = Minecraft Mod’. Mark’s father looked at me like I was crazy. I assured him I knew what I was doing… kind of.

Mark looked at me disapprovingly. Then thought about it some more.

‘You’re bribing me.’, Mark said accusingly.

‘I sure am!’ I said, with a huge smile!

We looked at each other for a second and then I asked Mark how badly he really wanted to be a Mod. This was the moment of truth.

Mark thought about the proposition one more time and said, ‘I’ll do it.’

Mark’s father’s jaw dropped.

I took some time with Mark to discuss how he could approach people he didn’t know, what he could say, etc. The great thing was that his motivation for the bribe eradicated a great deal of his shyness because he wasn’t focused on being teased or rejected by his peers. In other words, he was focused on the bribe itself. Mark’s father pulled me aside. He HATED this idea! Why did he have to bribe his son? Why couldn’t his son just listen and do what he was told? Why should he reward this behavior with even more time sitting in front of a computer? 

I gave Mark’s dad the harsh reality; Mark didn’t have the social skills to combat his shyness. I emphasized that we wanted results. Also, I reminded Mark’s father that baseball games in the league Mark was trying out for were on Saturday’s, the same day of the week Mark typically sat in front of his computer for hours on end. If he was on a team that played games on Saturday’s Mark’s available time to use his computer would be reduced dramatically! It was a win-win!

Sure enough it worked (Thank God!) Mark went to the baseball tryouts and met 10 new people! He got their names and an interesting fact about each one! His father gave him the money to be a ‘Mod’ on Minecraft. Mark made the team, and made some new friends. Did his shyness completely go away? No, but Mark now knows how to maneuver within a group of people he’s never met before. He knows how to talk with people he doesn’t know. He’s no longer preferring to be by himself.

And…. The bullies that use to torment him now leave him alone. By reducing Mark’s shyness he developed an ability to make good friends. These friends who stick up for him and, as a direct result, his self-esteem increased which gave him the ability to stick up for himself.

One bribe enabled Mark to gain the social skills that will serve him for a lifetime!

Sincerely,

Mr. G,

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

The #1 Assumption MILLIONS of Parents Make About Bullying

Renegade's Guide - Blog #9

by James Gavsie

It's that time of year again! Our kids are going back to school. Friends are re-united, new friends are made, and the social setting of our educational facilities is re-ignited. As parents, we go forward with a lot of Hope. Hope that is based on some basic assumptions.

If you take a second to think about it you realize that there are actually a great deal of assumptions parents make. We would like to assume that our kids are going back to school with other kids from families who share our values. We would like to assume that our kids will be in a safe learning environment. We REALLY want to assume that our kids will be benefitting from a good (hopefully great) education. As a parent myself I get it.

However, there is one assumption that is made that is completely wrong. It's an assumption that has been made by literally MILLIONS of parents. It is an assumption that I am certain has existed for well over fifty years, probably a whole lot more. It's an assumption that has unintentionally contributed to the misery, depression, and angst that countless students have experienced. The good news is that in this day and age of social media we have the ability to educate the masses and remove this assumption once and for all!

What is it? What is this one assumption parents make about our children that is so catastrophic? Well, here it is:

Parents ASSUME that schools can handle bullying. 

To elaborate, parents assume schools have all the tools necessary, including the willingness and desire, to fight bullying.

This assumption is completely false. In fact, I would put this assumption up there with other popular myths such as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Obama Care.

Our schools are designed to provide a structured education for our children. Additionally, schools may also offer after school programs, (somewhat) healthy lunches, and enrichment programs. When I take a step back and objectively look at the overall operation of an average public school I'm pretty amazed at the value it provides. Your typical public school really does a lot for the kids that attend. Add in the countless heartwarming stories of teachers going above and beyond for their students and you can surely see my point that our public schools are an amazing gift for our children. They do so much for so very little in return.

And there's the problem. Our schools do more than they can. They do much more than they were designed to do. However, combatting bullying is NOT something our public schools were ever designed for. This is a FACT!

So what do we do now that we know the truth? The first thing is to stop placing blame with the school in case your child is bullied. The second thing is to realize that YOU, the parent, bears the real responsibility to take action. It still amazes me to hear parents say that they hope their child won't be exposed to bullying. The reality is that they will be exposed to it, and most likely already have been. Anticipation of the inevitable is the key.

Let's replace our misplaced assumption about schools and bullying with another one. How about this?

No one cares as much about the welfare of my child as I do. 'I' being you, the parent.

I'm pretty sure we can all agree with this, right? Armed with this assumption parents should now also see the other truth, namely that they should be the ones who champion the anti-bullying campaign for their kids. In association with their school, that is.

There's a great expression in the fight game that directly applies to bullying at school; 'Don't leave the fight to the judges'. To translate, a fighter who doesn't finish his or her opponent in the match risks having the judges award the fight to their opponent. The fighter has to make sure they definitively win because if no winner is decided in the match the judges may, for some reason, pick the other fighter as the winner. In other words, the judges may pick a less than desirable result.

As parents, we are the proverbial fighters. If we leave the anti-bullying efforts our children need to the school and its administration we run the risk of having a less than desirable outcome for our kids. We need to take charge, work with the school, and help our children resolve the issue. One of the things I hear the most from frustrated parents of bullied children is that the school does either very little or sometimes absolutely nothing to fix the bullying problem.

To these parents I say that the school has hundreds of kids they need to serve and that their child is not, and cannot be, their top priority. Additionally, their school is probably already taking on more than it can handle.

We can't leave our child's bullying problems in the hands of the school. Assuming that the school can effectively and efficiently deal with bullying is absurd at best, disastrous at worst. Sure, I've seen some schools that have created amazing mechanisms and social responsibility amongst their student body that has made bullying into a small to non-issue. However, in my mind, those schools are the exception that prove the rule.

By the way, how do you think good schools would respond to parents getting involved and taking action in a responsible way to help with their child's bullying problems? If a parent were to take action and work WITH the teachers and administration the school would be THRILLED!

Remember, assumptions in general can be dangerous if we misinterpret them as fact. I live by another fun expression that says when you assume you may make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. When it comes to my kids, I avoid making assumptions that could prove detrimental. I highly recommend that you do the same.

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie