How to teach your Kids to Stand Up for Themselves

Renegade's Guide - Blog #8

by James Gavsie

We all love the story of the bullied kid who gathers their courage and stands up to the bully. We’ve seen it in thousands of movies and TV shows; after getting beaten down relentlessly the underdog finally gathers their courage and successfully confronts the bully. It’s a story that remains popular to this day even though it’s been told millions of times in countless different ways. We never get tired of it. Ever.

And why is that? What is it about this story that makes it so emotionally compelling? Why do we love someone taking a stand?

I’ve got a theory.

The reason we’re so enamored with this story is because it represents strength, namely the strength that we wish we had when we were in a similar situation but unfortunately couldn’t call upon it.

When I consult with kids, teenagers, and adults who are being bullied I often hear them saying how they wish they had the inner strength to stand up to their respective bullies. Now keep in mind that many of the people who come to see me about their bullying issues have already seen a therapist, psychologist, or specialist of some sort. They’ve been told what to say to the bully. They’ve been told why they should stand up for themselves. They may have even been told how to do it.

But…

There’s still something missing. Gathering that inner strength to execute the anti-bullying game plan is the problem.

For some people it’s fairly easy. Oddly enough, these don’t seem to be the people that get bullied that often. For others, it’s much harder. And when I say others, I’m including myself. At least, how I used to be. I was the gentle giant, or rather the big overweight kid, who didn’t like fighting. I got bullied a lot. And although I knew what words to use and how to say them and even why I should stand up to the bullies the unfortunate truth is I simply didn’t have the courage to do so. This was how things were for me for ears until that one fateful day….

I was in high school in my freshman year. My older brother had befriended some seniors who were the legitimate toughest guys in high school. They had their drawbacks mind you. Sure, they had failed a few grades and were a few years older than everybody else. Sure they were very scary looking. Sure they intimidated anyone, including teachers, who looked at them wrong. However, they looked out for me and the other students who were getting bullied. Think of them as the bully’s bully.

By watching them I saw something interesting. I saw how they stood up for themselves and, more importantly, how they stood up for others that needed it. When I asked them why they defended others they said it was the right thing to do. And that was the catalyst that started me on my own personal transformation from Victim to Victor. To summarize the experience, I saw how inner strength was called upon and used.

They modeled the behavior and actions that I needed for myself. They gave me a visual blueprint to follow. In essence they led by example. That behavior that they modeled became much easier to copy and adopt as my own. Even many years later I can remember the strength of conviction they had when standing up for someone. I can still pull strength from that.

So how does that help us? It’s simple. If we want our kids to be able to stand up for themselves we, as parents, have to show them how to do it. Not just tell them about it. Not just say why it’s important to do so. We actually have to do it… for real. We have to stand up for ourselves and/or for someone else. And our kids have to be there to witness it. And then we have to talk about it with them.

Modeling behavior that we want for our kids to emulate has been used beautifully as a learning tool throughout the ages. In today’s society where we have so many different types of bullies it won’t take long to find yourself facing one of those situations where you’ll have to confront someone who treated you unfairly. Take that as an opportunity to stand up for yourself within viewing distance of your child. Let them see how you calmly and confidently confront the person who wronged you. If the bullying in question was unintentional demonstrate to your kids the reasonable way to deal with it. Show how you avoid over vilifying while at the same time communicating that you will not be pushed around.

And then discuss it openly. Ask your kids how they felt you handled the situation. Ask them what they would have done differently. Create the dialog.

This tactic works, and it works well. You just have to make sure that you can drum up the courage necessary to confront your bully. By doing so, your child will have a better grasp of how to do it for themselves.

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

Standing Up To The Bully

Renegade’s Guide – Blog #7

Standing Up To The Bully

My life is pretty interesting, which is great because I suffer from SRBS, otherwise known as ‘Shiny Red Ball Syndrome’. For those who are unfamiliar with this devastating illness, it simply means that when I’m bored I get distracted easily.

‘Okay. I’m halfway done with my taxes. If I push this I can be finished in no time… Oh, Look! A shiny red ball!’

One particular day I was shopping for groceries and, while I tried my best to keep focused on the task at hand, I found myself getting… so… very… BORED! SRBS was sneaking in and I started to look for something… anything.. to distract me from my self-imposed boredom.

And that’s when I heard it.

‘I’ll KNOCK OUT ANYONE WHO STEPS UP TO ME!!!!’

My boredom disappeared and my interest was piqued.

A vary large ‘gentleman’ at the checkout counter was causing a scene. Seems he was disputing the price of a particular item and wasn’t too appreciative of the cashier’s attempts to help him. The next person in line graciously offered to pay for the items, but the large gentleman repeated his threat of knocking anyone out who got in his way.

The cashier was scared, as was the poor guy bagging groceries.

The paid security guard was nowhere to be found. Everyone else in line behind the ‘large gentleman’ was nervous and unsure of what to do. Anytime anyone said anything the large man would snap a threat right back at them. Things were getting out of hand quickly.

I did a quick assessment and came to the conclusion that this guy was having a bad day, and probably wasn’t necessarily a bad ‘guy’.

Keep in mind there’s a world of difference between the two as well as how they should be confronted. I was fairly confident that if I made my presence known that he would calm down. I didn’t want to fight this guy and I was pretty sure, if he was confronted the right way, he wouldn’t want to fight me either.

I made my way through the line of customers and stood about 6 feet away from him. I positioned myself to make sure he would see me. Instead of turning towards the check out counter I stood directly facing him.

Sure enough he turned around and saw me. His threats stopped. I wouldn’t say that he was scared, but he was certainly aware that someone was there who not only wasn’t afraid of him but also looked liked he could fight. We stared at each other for a couple of seconds, with which he calmed down, quickly paid for his items and left.

Without incident, he left.

However, a few seconds later he came back… and apologized to the people he yelled at.

‘Interesting’, I thought.

He felt remorseful about what he did, which confirmed my suspicion that he was just having a bad day, as opposed to being a bad guy.

I continued with my shopping as I now had this ‘incident’ to think about. It was obvious to me that this was a clear cut case of bullying. It was a lot of other things, as well. However, it was the bullying aspect that fascinated me the most.

Why did he snap?

Why did he think doing this at the grocery store was a good idea? Why did he have to yell threats at people?

The answer to all of these questions was the same; He thought he could get away with it. Sure, there was more to it. Something had caused him to lash out and lose control. But whereas most people would contain themselves he chose not to.

On the other hand, I was very happy with myself. I was able to help in calming down a potentially bad situation in a non-violent manner. Also, I was confident in how I did so. On top of that I wasn’t afraid to stand up for the people being bullied. It was one of those times where I felt the years of martial arts training had paid off beautifully.

And then it hit me…

How great would it have been if I was able to the same thing, with the same amount of confidence, when I was a kid? It would have been great! Beyond great! Amazingly, fantastically, great!

And then I came to the realization that, as a kid, I wouldn’t have had the same confidence that I do now because I simply wouldn’t have had the life experience nor the martial arts training that would be necessary to establish that level of confidence in the first place.

In fact, is it unfair to expect kids who do not possess an abundance of confidence to be able to stand up against a bully on behalf of someone else? Or even themselves? I believe it is.

There are a lot of kids, of all ages, in schools today who don’t have the emotional or physical tools to stand up to bullies, whether they are being bullied themselves or simply find themselves as a bystander.

But they can acquire them.

The physical tools represent the easier skill set to acquire. Whether it’s through sports, martial arts, etc., confidence in oneself physically can be obtained, as it’s a fairly straightforward process.

The emotional tools, however, are little trickier. I wonder if educators at schools really understand the folly in their words when they state a child can obtain the necessary socialization, and social skills, through interaction with their peers. I’m not saying kids can’t get what they need. I’m simply saying that a lot of kids don’t.

So where does that leave those who don’t have the emotional confidence to stand up for themselves or for someone else? How can they get the confidence and social skills they need, if not from school?

The answer lies in us; the parents, coaches, and instructors. Our job is to model the desired behavior for our kids so that they can see firsthand what it’s like to stand up for our selves, or someone else. Additionally, our ‘job’ responsibilities also require us to talk to kids about what we’re feeling and thinking about as we’re standing up. Our kids need an example to draw strength from which, in turn, helps them to better understand not just how but also why we need to stand up to bullying. Plus, it further cements in their minds the strong and emotionally stable mindset they should have when confronted with a bully.

One thing I do with my son is talk openly about incidents where I have to stand up for myself or someone else. I draw upon the Socratic Method of learning where I ask him a lot of questions, such as ‘What would you have done?’ or ‘How do you think I handled the situation?’ This gets us into some very interesting conversations about confrontations and how to manage them.

As adults, we have years of experience and (hopefully) an emotionally stable platform to help us stand up to those who would try to bully us. Therefore, it’s up to us to help our kids benefit from our hard earned life lessons so that they can take a great short cut towards obtaining the confidence and courage that we so greatly want them to have!

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

Emotional Bullying – What you get may not be what you receive…

Renegade’s Guide – Blog #6

Emotional Bullying – What you get may not be what you receive…

Here’s a math problem for you; when does x not equal x? Let me make this even easier, when does 2 not equal 2?

Not a math wizard or an expert in algebra? Here’s the deal…

A bully often has no exact understanding of the kind of emotional turmoil they may be inflicting on their victim. An isolated shove, a disrespectful comment, or the spreading of a small rumor may be, to the bully at least, a 2 out of 10 on the emotionally hurtful scale, with 1 being no pain and 10 being emotional pain that is beyond unbearable.

So, when they shove someone in the hallway the actual incident is viewed very differently by both the bully and his or her victim. To the victim, it was another personal attack that both demeaned and disrespected. It took what little self-esteem he had and diminished it even further. It was a bad day made even worse. On the same emotional turmoil scale that shove was an 8..at least.

It’s an important distinction to make. Emotionally speaking, the shover and the shovee look at the incident from two completely different perspectives. The giver of the shove doesn’t give the incident much weight. The shovee, however, associates a great deal of emotional turmoil to it and does give it a great deal of weight.

The bullying that the shove represents is a big problem that has to be dealt with. However, the victim’s ability to properly assess the attack for what it was and, more importantly, what it wasn’t is even more important. Was this the first shove or the latest of many? Does the bully have an idea of what kind of harm they’re doing or are they thinking they’re just having a little bit of fun?

More importantly, is the victim taking the bullying too harshly? Are they misinterpreting a bully’s emotionally hurtful ‘poke with a stick’ as a sinister ‘nuclear bomb’ of emotional pain? Look, I’m all for dealing with the bully justly and fairly but the punishment should fit the crime. And in this case the emotional pain felt by the victim shouldn’t exceed the emotional attack delivered. This isn’t necessarily about having a ‘thicker skin’, but more along the lines of being in control of your emotional self.

In my adventures with bullying, this particular lesson was really hard for me to comprehend, never mind learn. It was until a little incident I had that took place years after one bullying session in particular.

I was at a restaurant in Toronto on a visit back to Canada. Looking over at the bar area I saw a familiar face that I hadn’t seen in years. It was Jake, a social bully who spread rumors about me in high school and was also great at making fun of me in front of his friends. Although I thought I had put his bullying behind me one look at him told me otherwise. The emotional pain I felt as a young man in High School came flooding back to me. This was an opportunity. I had to confront Jake! Of course things were a little different now…

I was a lot bigger. I was a lot stronger. I had become a pretty good fighter through years of hard martial arts training. To say I was confident in my physical abilities was an understatement. As I was approaching Jake I had visions of him cowardly backing away, begging for forgiveness. I tapped him on the shoulder, waited for him to turn around, and said, ‘Hi, Jake. Remember me?’

Jake looked up at me and took a second to figure out who I was.

‘James, how are you!’ was his response. That, and a big hug. I was caught completely off guard. Jake went on to ask me question after question regarding what I was up to, where was I living, etc. He was very positive, gracious, and like able. I forced myself to remember him as the Bully. After exchanging some pleasantries I talked to him about high school, specifically the name calling, the rumors, etc. Jake looked surprised. He remembered some of it, but to him it was just him having fun as he didn't mean to make me upset. 

‘You were really mad about that?’ he asked.

‘Oh, yeah…’ I responded with what I’m now ashamed to say was an evil smile.

At that point I was ready for things to get heated. Here was one of my high school tormentors right in front of me. I was ready for anything. Actually, I was more than ready. I wanted him to say or do something. It was like I was coming to the rescue of my younger self. And then he did something I wasn't prepared for.

He said ‘I’m really sorry. I didn't know. What can I do to make up for it?’

His apology was sincere. I’ve seen many insincere apologies and this wasn’t one of them. He felt badly and wanted to really know what he could do to fix things. That’s when it hit me. He was a bully, that’s for sure. But he wasn’t any more. I could continue to dislike his past actions but there was no reason to keep disliking him. He had grown and moved forward as a person. The other realization, even bigger than the first, hit me even harder.

His bullying should not have affected me as severely as it did. He gave me an emotional 2 but I interpreted it as an 8. I did that, not him.

I quickly changed the subject back to what he was up to. We talked for quite some time and shared some memories.

Turns out he was bullied, too. I had no idea.

As we said our goodbyes I started to go through many of my personal bullying episodes and began to think how I may have misinterpreted and magnified the pain that was sent my way.

As a parent, I now understand how important it is to help kids with their emotional pain management, namely helping them to understand that a hurtful comment or a shove may not be the devastating attack they feel it to be.

Should we still deal with it seriously? Of course! However, giving more weight to an instance of bullying not only ill prepares our kids to deal with it as they grow up but also tends to over punish, as well as over criminalize, the bully. After all, the punishment should always fit the crime.

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

Good Kid Versus Nice Kid - Which One Do You Want?

Good Kid Versus Nice Kid - Which One Do You Want?

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #5

by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

AKA James Gavsie

I hear it from parents ALL the time.

‘My son is a pushover, he won’t stand up for himself. He’s too nice.’

‘My daughter let’s her friends walk all over her and she won’t say anything because she’s worried they won’t like her anymore. She’s too nice to them.’

‘My child is too nice to be confrontational.’

The label of ‘nice’ is meaning something completely different than it’s traditional definition. ‘Nice’ is the polite way of saying ‘weak’.

So, if nice is the new weak, what’s the new word for strong?

It’s ‘good’.

And therein lies my question.

What’s the difference between a nice person and a good person?

Let me take it a step further. What’s the difference between a nice kid and a good kid? And, since this a blog that centers around anti-bullying, how does being nice versus being good help?

The answer lies in the definition of each term.

A nice kid is someone who wants to be well liked, so much so that when they get pushed around, teased, disrespected, etc., they become a door mat and take the abuse. Why? Because if they stand up for themselves they may not be well liked by that person anymore. They confuse interaction with friendship.

A good kid is someone who wants to be well liked but will stand up for themselves when they get pushed around, teased, disrespected, etc. In other words, being respected means more to them than being liked.

Guess which one I think bullies will target much more?

You’ve guessed it! It’s the nice kid!

Why? Well, the nice kid will quickly demonstrate that they can be pushed around and not push back. They establish themselves as an easy target. They want to be liked so much that they confuse the interaction with those that push them around as friendship as opposed to abusive behavior.

On the flip side, the good kid quickly establishes themselves as someone who will confront a person who is being disrespectful. Remember, a bully wants an easy target, which translates to someone who won’t fight back or have the ability to get them in trouble. A good kid may be initially targeted, but the Bully quickly learns that they won’t be able to turn their target into a victim.

Let’s take this a step further.

A good kid won’t be afraid of a confrontation. This means the good kid will confront a bully if getting pushed around, talk to a teacher (respectfully, of course) when they disagree with a grade they received, and will apologize and do their best to fix a problem they may have caused. A good kid will also not allow themselves to be overly manipulated, as they know what is within reason and where they should draw the line.

A nice kid, however, will be afraid of confrontation. The nice kid will not confront the bully, will accept the bad grade even if they disagree with it, and will go way overboard when it comes to fixing a problem as they want to retain their ‘friendships’ (as unhealthy as they may be). A nice kid will allow themselves to be manipulated, even when they know it’s unreasonable as they desperately want to please everyone.

Let’s take this another step further. Let’s go into the future by ten years where our kids our now in high school or college. Where kind of friends does the ‘nice’ guy have? Who does the ‘nice’ girl end up dating? What kind of social circles, or lack thereof, does the nice guy or girl have? Who will stand up for them in case they get cyber bullied? We know they will not be standing up for themselves.

In another 10 years, what kind of career does the nice guy have? Will they self-advocate for a promotion? Will they be able to go to their boss or supervisor and ask for a raise or discuss a problem? Will they be dating, or even marry, the person they want or will they settle for someone who is ‘good enough’?

So, after reading all of this, which label do you want for your kids?

Do you want them to be nice or good?

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie  

A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

The Weird Kid

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #4
by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts
AKA James Gavsie

We all know that kid. You know which one I’m talking about. The kid who likes to dress differently. The kid who says things that are socially awkward. The kid who is overly obsessed with something that has no business being obsessed about.

I’m talking about… shudder… the WEIRD kid!

In every school there’s always at least one person who is given that designation. As a parent, I have to be very open with the fact that I don’t want my kids to be labeled that way.

Why?

It has nothing to do with whether or not they are, in fact, weird. With me as their dad the odds are looking pretty favorable that they’ll have some weirdness to them. No, my concern about the ‘weird kid’ label is more about whether or not they can handle the social ostracizing that comes with it.

Yes, in case you’re wondering, ‘Ostracizing’ is the biggest word I know.

A few years ago I consulted with a mom (let's call her Sue) whose son (let's call him Dave) was being bullied. The bullying was verbal in nature and was very troubling for Dave. I asked Sue my typical questions about the circumstances of the bullying and, from her answers, couldn’t pinpoint the exact issue. Sure, Dave was being teased openly but she couldn’t tell me what her eight year old was being teased about. It sounded like he wasn’t revealing everything to her, which wasn’t surprising. Many people, especially kids have a very hard time providing details about their bullying. I know, because I was exactly that way. So, I asked to meet Dave in person and a few days later he came by with Sue to the martial arts school. The moment they walked in I knew EXACTLY what was going on and why he was being bullied.

Dave looked completely normal. He was a typical looking eight year old boy. EXCEPT for one little thing.

He was wearing a bright yellow fishing hat!

It was a sunny day in Los Angeles without a cloud in the sky, and here he was wearing a fishing hat as if he were a 70 year old retiree on some lake looking to catch the ‘big one’.

After introducing ourselves I sat down with them and started to ask Dave some questions about the bullying he was experiencing. Sure enough, I was right. From the moment he started to wear the hat he got flak for it. The flak turned into hurtful teasing. The hurtful teasing turned friends into ex-friends. Now, Dave hung out by himself during recess and lunch to avoid the teasing and hurtful comments. The problem was that the self-imposed isolation made him an easier target, as no one other than a teacher would come to his defense when he was being verbally bullied.

We continued to talk and from our discussion I determined that he was being bullied socially, in this case verbally and by being actively excluded from groups. Upon hearing this, his mother felt she knew what to do. Without hesitation, Sue came up with a very elaborate and multi-tiered plan where she would contact the school administration, the teachers, and the parents of the bullies. She would force her son's school to have an assembly on bullying and would call in the local press to profile her efforts to defend her son.

Dave looked at me and, through his eyes communicated very clearly to me, 'Please, make her stop.'

'Don't worry. I've got this.', I silently communicated back.

After five minutes of the Sue's master plan I interrupted and said that I had another option.

'This may sound crazy, but what if your son... stopped wearing the hat?'

Sue was outraged! Why should her son have to change? He wasn't doing anything wrong. It was the people who bullied him who had the problem.

And she was right. But there was one problem with her logic. The bullies weren't open to listening to her, never mind being open consider the reality that they were in the wrong.

She continued to berate the bullies. Although I tried very hard I just couldn't get through to her. It was as though she was more concerned with the social injustice Dave was facing than the fact that he was being bullied. And that's when it hit me.

She was. That was exactly the case. Fighting bullying aimed at those who didn't go by societies 'norms' was her crusade.

I pulled her aside slightly out of earshot of her son.

I explained to Sue that I appreciated her stance, and agreed with it. I also explained to her that her personal vendetta against society's injustices isn't a fight her son should take on right now.

Infuriated, she demanded to know why her son shouldn't continue in the battle she had been personally fighting for over 40 years.

'The answer's simple', I responded. 'Your son doesn't have the same life experience, confidence, and convictions you've developed over those 40 years. It's not a fight he wants nor is it a fight he's prepared for.'

The mom saw my point. She was even a little embarrassed. I had helped her see that she was trying to continue her fight through her son. Even worse, she was expecting her son to be able to fight the same way she did, without the benefit of her years of life-experience at her disposal and all of the tools and emotional well-being an adult has developed.

All too often, I see parents encourage their kids to continue their often labeled 'weird' behavior without warning them about the realities they'll be facing, namely teasing, name calling, and bullying by exclusion. They expect their children to be able to call on the same sense of social justice they feel if someone were to unfairly judge and/or label them in a demeaning way.

The problem is that our kids aren't prepared for that, nor should they be. It's more important for our children to understand how society really works so that they can comprehend and even anticipate inappropriate behavior that is, or may be, directed at them. Once they have that understanding they will then be able to create the social and emotional tool set to take on the bullying that may come their way.

At that point I talked with Dave openly and candidly about how the real world sometimes works. I told him that he didn't have to stop wearing the hat, but that the he shouldn't expect to stop the teasing, name calling, and other types of bullying he was experiencing.

Dave didn't know what to do. He told me that he felt he shouldn't have to stop wearing his hat. I agreed. I then told him that he had a choice to make. The choices were:

1) Stop wearing the hat.
2) Wear the hat and continue to be victimized by the bulling.
3) Wear the hat, continue to be targeted by bullies, but refuse to be victimized by them.

He thought about the choices and decided to go with option 1 in the short term and option 3 in the long term. Dave made the right choice.

Dave stopped wearing the hat for the next few weeks. During that time we worked on his social skills, his ability to deflect and minimize name calling, as well as his self-esteem.

On week number 4 Dave wore his hat, but this time he was prepared. If someone made fun of it he would respond with, 'Thanks for noticing my hat. Glad you like it. If you want I can get one for you.' or some other response that would deflect and take the sting out of the verbal bullying.

And... It worked! Dave's inner strength, confidence, and ability to stand up for himself made people respect him. That respect transformed into several friendships and now the yellow fisherman hat is accepted as Dave's signature trademark. In other words, people came to accept it.

Interesting how weirdness can be combated with self-confidence. Whether Dave wears the hat for the rest of his life or not he now understands much better how society works, how to prevail when someone calls you weird, and the difference between being targeted by bullies and being victimized by them.
Thanks for reading the fourth blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com  





And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.  

Sincerely,  Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 
A.K.A. James Gavsie  
A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"

Taking the Sting out of Cyber Bullying

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #3

by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts
AKA James Gavsie

I remember one of my last meetings that I facilitated as a business analyst. This was years ago, in a previous life where I was supporting my, somewhat unhealthy, martial arts habit with a paycheck from the software industry.

The meeting itself was between two rival groups of software developers who had come to an impasse on some technical issues. These groups were further made up of individuals whose knowledge and technical expertise easily surpassed my own. I was tasked with facilitating the meeting so that the impasse could be resolved. In other words, I had to make sure everyone played nicely so that the two groups could come to a mutually agreeable decision. Before the meeting started, the topic of discussion was along the lines of which was better, Star Trek or Star Wars. Typical talk for this crowd.

The meeting started with an explosion of intense accusations, rude interruptions, and an overall lack of decorum. Keeping up with the techno jargon, as I'm sure you could imagine, was INSANELY hard to do. The terms being used may as well have been in a different language.

Not wanting to lose track of where the groups were I finally interrupted and asked them if they could use simpler terms so that I could better understand the various viewpoints being presented.

And then there was silence...

Everyone glanced around, looked at each other, and...

Started laughing hysterically!

Specifically, laughing at me.

There were belly laughs. There was finger pointing with name calling. My favorite was a comparison between me and the monkey that was launched into space in the 1960s. The monkey won because at least the monkey was smart enough to become an astronaut.

Fortunately, I had been in this position before. So, I waited. It took a few minutes but eventually the laughter and name calling died down.

Normally, I could let this type of thing roll off my back. What did I care if this group of people made fun of me? It wasn't like these were my friends or even direct colleagues. However, I was the assigned facilitator which meant I had to get results. If I didn't re-establish power I wouldn't be able to accomplish my task.

So, I stood up in order to get everyone's attention and said:

'Time for a quick survey. By a show of hands... Who here has actually kissed a girl? Anyone? Anyone at all? No? Yeah, I didn't think so. Let's get back to the meeting.'

This was a tactic I had used before as a facilitator, which was to bring the opposing sides together through through a mutual dislike for me.

What was the point of my story and how does this relate to cyber bullying?

With cyber bullying, the emotional turmoil felt by the recipients is done by a choice they make. It is a choice to allow yourself to feel negatively about something like cyber bullying. Is it easy to stay positive and not allow the cyber bullying to affect you? For some yes, for others not at first. Notice I said 'not at first'. The reality is that the more you exercise your emotional muscle to stay positive, regardless of the cyber bullies attack, the easier it gets to come to a point that cyber bullying will not affect you at all.

I chose to not allow the bullying in the boardroom to affect me.

Why? Well, firstly I didn't do anything wrong to merit the attack I received which meant that those making fun of me were being jerks. And if a jerk is making fun of me for something they shouldn't then the problem is clearly with them, not me.

Secondly, I knew there was a chance that I would be on the receiving end of some type of harsh reaction from one or both sides before I even went into the meeting. I put myself out there in such a way where there was a real possibility of being targeted. Instead of hoping that I would never be on the receiving end and/or targeted I accepted the reality of the situation and further understood that my position as a facilitator could make me an easy target. Once I really comprehended that fact, I chose to no longer allow myself to be affected by those who chose to launch an attack my way. I may have been targeted, but I chose to not allow myself to be victimized.

When a person goes online, whether it be through a profile on a social media website, email, or even texts, they put themselves out in the open. An easy path has now been created for a cyber bully to send a message your way and/or to inflict you with the fallout of their bullying.

That's the reality. So, the choices are twofold:

1) Do you stay away from going online?

2) Do you allow yourself to be affected by what the cyber bully says or does?

In today's world we're obviously going to stay online. The real choice is to either allow or not to allow the cyber bully to get to you emotionally. If we strengthen our resolve we can exercise that emotional muscle to such a degree where it's super strong and cyber bullying has little to no negative effect.

How do we do that? Simple. Surround yourself with those who are already at that point. Let their example be your roadmap. Examine how they remain unfazed by unwarranted criticisms, harsh words without merit, and biased attacks.

By the way, I'm NOT saying we should ignore cyber bullying. If it merits action then cyber bullying should be dealt with directly, aggressively, and definitively. But that's for another blog.

The bottom line is that, like other types of bullying, a cyber-bully typically has an issue, or issues, that they aren't dealing with properly and, as a result, they take it out on others. Don't let the negativity of their personal issues find their way to you!

Thanks for reading the third blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com

And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.

Sincerely,

Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

A.K.A. James Gavsie 

A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Should our kids fight back against the bully?

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #2

by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

AKA James Gavsie

Should our kids fight back against the bully?

Several years ago a group of my martial arts students asked if they could talk to me for a moment in private about something very troubling that was going on at their school. This was an odd request as this group of students, who all went to the same middle school, were normally a very fun bunch of kids. Their request to speak to me in private was given in a very serious tone, something I hadn’t seen from them before.

They were upset and very concerned about a new policy that was recently implemented at their school by the administration. It seemed that anyone caught fighting would be suspended. At first I didn’t see the problem. The most vocal of the group then made a very strong point by saying, “Anyone caught fighting will be suspended, including anyone who is fighting back!”

Took a while, but I finally understood. They continued to explain that there were a number of bullies at their school who would start fights. They couldn’t be ignored, talked down, or befriended. If one of these bullies targeted you it was only a matter of time before punches were being thrown your way and you’d either have to get beat up or fight back. In response to these beatings being given the school administration announced their new suspension policy. Instead of not putting an end to the fighting, as the bullies weren’t afraid of suspension from school as a consequence, it actually got many more people suspended… those students who fought back! My students confirmed that the few who stood up for themselves and fought back were also suspended and treated just as harshly as the bullies who attacked them.

My martial arts students had a real problem with the new policy. They felt it was wrong on a number of levels. They didn’t want to get in trouble with their school but they knew they would fight back if they had to.  On top of everything else, they wanted to tell their parents about this situation but didn’t know how to communicate the fact that they would possibly get suspended in the process of protecting themselves. They wanted to know my opinion.

After a little thought I realized that the answer was simple. If the bully couldn’t be avoided, talked down, or ignored, and they started to get violent there was no other clear choice but to fight back. Here’s why: If someone were to attack me I would be legally within my rights to fight back, as long as my severity matched that of the attacker. I explained this to the group and said that if the law applied to me in that way that it should also apply to them. Additionally, I thought about my son, specifically how I would want him to fight back if he was given no other choice.

I shared my thoughts with my students and told them that this was a dialog that had to continue with their parents. I volunteered to call them all.

When I spoke with the parents I was immediately struck by how conservative they were. They all definitely fit into the “Do not rock the BOAT” category. However, when I explained how their children were very concerned with this new rule and how they also would not allow themselves to be victimized by the school administration’s narrow viewpoint they all wholeheartedly agreed with them!

Asking for advice on what to do, I instructed the parents to make their voices heard with their children’s middle school. Not knowing how to word their discontent I suggested they make it clear that they wouldn’t condone an environment where children allow themselves to be the victim of what is legally termed aggravated assault. Additionally, I told them that their school had failed in their legal responsibility to provide a safe environment for their kids.

Many bullying experts advise to avoid using violence at all costs. As you can probably tell, I don’t agree. Being on the receiving end of an unjust violent encounter can be a soul crushing experience. To be unable to protect yourself against violence creates a devaluing of self-esteem and self-worth that can last a lifetime.

Here’s my stance on fighting back against bullying: If all else fails, and there is no other alternative, violence, of a reasonable severity, is an acceptable option. I further define the appropriate time to use violence as when ALL of the following conditions are met:

If you have no way of talking the bully down.

If you have no way of talking your way out of the situation.

If there is no adult or bystander that you can call out to in order to have them intervene.

If the bully is communicating with words or clear body language that they are about to become violent with you.

Additionally, another time that I advocate using violence is when the bully is hitting you or being otherwise violent with you.

Ask yourselves a simple question; if your child was getting violently bullied and there was no teacher, adult, or capable bystander around to stop the bully how would you want your son or daughter to react? If they allowed themselves to be victimized and did not fight back against a violent bully how would this affect them well into their teenage years, as well as adulthood?

The bottom line is that when it’s time to take a stand and every other recourse has failed to turn away the violent bully, violence IS an acceptable option.

And what happened to my students who had a problem with their middle school’s policy? They took a stand, with their parents backing them 100%, and made it clear that they would fight back if they had no other option. Oddly enough, although they were trained and more than prepared for it, they never found themselves having to fight back. Seems the bullies didn’t want to go after people who were confident, unafraid, and clearly not easy targets.

Thanks for reading the second blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com

And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.

Sincerely,

Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

A.K.A. James Gavsie 

A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"