Should our kids fight back against the bully?

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #2

by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

AKA James Gavsie

Should our kids fight back against the bully?

Several years ago a group of my martial arts students asked if they could talk to me for a moment in private about something very troubling that was going on at their school. This was an odd request as this group of students, who all went to the same middle school, were normally a very fun bunch of kids. Their request to speak to me in private was given in a very serious tone, something I hadn’t seen from them before.

They were upset and very concerned about a new policy that was recently implemented at their school by the administration. It seemed that anyone caught fighting would be suspended. At first I didn’t see the problem. The most vocal of the group then made a very strong point by saying, “Anyone caught fighting will be suspended, including anyone who is fighting back!”

Took a while, but I finally understood. They continued to explain that there were a number of bullies at their school who would start fights. They couldn’t be ignored, talked down, or befriended. If one of these bullies targeted you it was only a matter of time before punches were being thrown your way and you’d either have to get beat up or fight back. In response to these beatings being given the school administration announced their new suspension policy. Instead of not putting an end to the fighting, as the bullies weren’t afraid of suspension from school as a consequence, it actually got many more people suspended… those students who fought back! My students confirmed that the few who stood up for themselves and fought back were also suspended and treated just as harshly as the bullies who attacked them.

My martial arts students had a real problem with the new policy. They felt it was wrong on a number of levels. They didn’t want to get in trouble with their school but they knew they would fight back if they had to.  On top of everything else, they wanted to tell their parents about this situation but didn’t know how to communicate the fact that they would possibly get suspended in the process of protecting themselves. They wanted to know my opinion.

After a little thought I realized that the answer was simple. If the bully couldn’t be avoided, talked down, or ignored, and they started to get violent there was no other clear choice but to fight back. Here’s why: If someone were to attack me I would be legally within my rights to fight back, as long as my severity matched that of the attacker. I explained this to the group and said that if the law applied to me in that way that it should also apply to them. Additionally, I thought about my son, specifically how I would want him to fight back if he was given no other choice.

I shared my thoughts with my students and told them that this was a dialog that had to continue with their parents. I volunteered to call them all.

When I spoke with the parents I was immediately struck by how conservative they were. They all definitely fit into the “Do not rock the BOAT” category. However, when I explained how their children were very concerned with this new rule and how they also would not allow themselves to be victimized by the school administration’s narrow viewpoint they all wholeheartedly agreed with them!

Asking for advice on what to do, I instructed the parents to make their voices heard with their children’s middle school. Not knowing how to word their discontent I suggested they make it clear that they wouldn’t condone an environment where children allow themselves to be the victim of what is legally termed aggravated assault. Additionally, I told them that their school had failed in their legal responsibility to provide a safe environment for their kids.

Many bullying experts advise to avoid using violence at all costs. As you can probably tell, I don’t agree. Being on the receiving end of an unjust violent encounter can be a soul crushing experience. To be unable to protect yourself against violence creates a devaluing of self-esteem and self-worth that can last a lifetime.

Here’s my stance on fighting back against bullying: If all else fails, and there is no other alternative, violence, of a reasonable severity, is an acceptable option. I further define the appropriate time to use violence as when ALL of the following conditions are met:

If you have no way of talking the bully down.

If you have no way of talking your way out of the situation.

If there is no adult or bystander that you can call out to in order to have them intervene.

If the bully is communicating with words or clear body language that they are about to become violent with you.

Additionally, another time that I advocate using violence is when the bully is hitting you or being otherwise violent with you.

Ask yourselves a simple question; if your child was getting violently bullied and there was no teacher, adult, or capable bystander around to stop the bully how would you want your son or daughter to react? If they allowed themselves to be victimized and did not fight back against a violent bully how would this affect them well into their teenage years, as well as adulthood?

The bottom line is that when it’s time to take a stand and every other recourse has failed to turn away the violent bully, violence IS an acceptable option.

And what happened to my students who had a problem with their middle school’s policy? They took a stand, with their parents backing them 100%, and made it clear that they would fight back if they had no other option. Oddly enough, although they were trained and more than prepared for it, they never found themselves having to fight back. Seems the bullies didn’t want to go after people who were confident, unafraid, and clearly not easy targets.

Thanks for reading the second blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com

And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.

Sincerely,

Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

A.K.A. James Gavsie 

A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"