Emotional Bullying – What you get may not be what you receive…

Renegade’s Guide – Blog #6

Emotional Bullying – What you get may not be what you receive…

Here’s a math problem for you; when does x not equal x? Let me make this even easier, when does 2 not equal 2?

Not a math wizard or an expert in algebra? Here’s the deal…

A bully often has no exact understanding of the kind of emotional turmoil they may be inflicting on their victim. An isolated shove, a disrespectful comment, or the spreading of a small rumor may be, to the bully at least, a 2 out of 10 on the emotionally hurtful scale, with 1 being no pain and 10 being emotional pain that is beyond unbearable.

So, when they shove someone in the hallway the actual incident is viewed very differently by both the bully and his or her victim. To the victim, it was another personal attack that both demeaned and disrespected. It took what little self-esteem he had and diminished it even further. It was a bad day made even worse. On the same emotional turmoil scale that shove was an 8..at least.

It’s an important distinction to make. Emotionally speaking, the shover and the shovee look at the incident from two completely different perspectives. The giver of the shove doesn’t give the incident much weight. The shovee, however, associates a great deal of emotional turmoil to it and does give it a great deal of weight.

The bullying that the shove represents is a big problem that has to be dealt with. However, the victim’s ability to properly assess the attack for what it was and, more importantly, what it wasn’t is even more important. Was this the first shove or the latest of many? Does the bully have an idea of what kind of harm they’re doing or are they thinking they’re just having a little bit of fun?

More importantly, is the victim taking the bullying too harshly? Are they misinterpreting a bully’s emotionally hurtful ‘poke with a stick’ as a sinister ‘nuclear bomb’ of emotional pain? Look, I’m all for dealing with the bully justly and fairly but the punishment should fit the crime. And in this case the emotional pain felt by the victim shouldn’t exceed the emotional attack delivered. This isn’t necessarily about having a ‘thicker skin’, but more along the lines of being in control of your emotional self.

In my adventures with bullying, this particular lesson was really hard for me to comprehend, never mind learn. It was until a little incident I had that took place years after one bullying session in particular.

I was at a restaurant in Toronto on a visit back to Canada. Looking over at the bar area I saw a familiar face that I hadn’t seen in years. It was Jake, a social bully who spread rumors about me in high school and was also great at making fun of me in front of his friends. Although I thought I had put his bullying behind me one look at him told me otherwise. The emotional pain I felt as a young man in High School came flooding back to me. This was an opportunity. I had to confront Jake! Of course things were a little different now…

I was a lot bigger. I was a lot stronger. I had become a pretty good fighter through years of hard martial arts training. To say I was confident in my physical abilities was an understatement. As I was approaching Jake I had visions of him cowardly backing away, begging for forgiveness. I tapped him on the shoulder, waited for him to turn around, and said, ‘Hi, Jake. Remember me?’

Jake looked up at me and took a second to figure out who I was.

‘James, how are you!’ was his response. That, and a big hug. I was caught completely off guard. Jake went on to ask me question after question regarding what I was up to, where was I living, etc. He was very positive, gracious, and like able. I forced myself to remember him as the Bully. After exchanging some pleasantries I talked to him about high school, specifically the name calling, the rumors, etc. Jake looked surprised. He remembered some of it, but to him it was just him having fun as he didn't mean to make me upset. 

‘You were really mad about that?’ he asked.

‘Oh, yeah…’ I responded with what I’m now ashamed to say was an evil smile.

At that point I was ready for things to get heated. Here was one of my high school tormentors right in front of me. I was ready for anything. Actually, I was more than ready. I wanted him to say or do something. It was like I was coming to the rescue of my younger self. And then he did something I wasn't prepared for.

He said ‘I’m really sorry. I didn't know. What can I do to make up for it?’

His apology was sincere. I’ve seen many insincere apologies and this wasn’t one of them. He felt badly and wanted to really know what he could do to fix things. That’s when it hit me. He was a bully, that’s for sure. But he wasn’t any more. I could continue to dislike his past actions but there was no reason to keep disliking him. He had grown and moved forward as a person. The other realization, even bigger than the first, hit me even harder.

His bullying should not have affected me as severely as it did. He gave me an emotional 2 but I interpreted it as an 8. I did that, not him.

I quickly changed the subject back to what he was up to. We talked for quite some time and shared some memories.

Turns out he was bullied, too. I had no idea.

As we said our goodbyes I started to go through many of my personal bullying episodes and began to think how I may have misinterpreted and magnified the pain that was sent my way.

As a parent, I now understand how important it is to help kids with their emotional pain management, namely helping them to understand that a hurtful comment or a shove may not be the devastating attack they feel it to be.

Should we still deal with it seriously? Of course! However, giving more weight to an instance of bullying not only ill prepares our kids to deal with it as they grow up but also tends to over punish, as well as over criminalize, the bully. After all, the punishment should always fit the crime.

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie