The Weird Kid

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #4
by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts
AKA James Gavsie

We all know that kid. You know which one I’m talking about. The kid who likes to dress differently. The kid who says things that are socially awkward. The kid who is overly obsessed with something that has no business being obsessed about.

I’m talking about… shudder… the WEIRD kid!

In every school there’s always at least one person who is given that designation. As a parent, I have to be very open with the fact that I don’t want my kids to be labeled that way.

Why?

It has nothing to do with whether or not they are, in fact, weird. With me as their dad the odds are looking pretty favorable that they’ll have some weirdness to them. No, my concern about the ‘weird kid’ label is more about whether or not they can handle the social ostracizing that comes with it.

Yes, in case you’re wondering, ‘Ostracizing’ is the biggest word I know.

A few years ago I consulted with a mom (let's call her Sue) whose son (let's call him Dave) was being bullied. The bullying was verbal in nature and was very troubling for Dave. I asked Sue my typical questions about the circumstances of the bullying and, from her answers, couldn’t pinpoint the exact issue. Sure, Dave was being teased openly but she couldn’t tell me what her eight year old was being teased about. It sounded like he wasn’t revealing everything to her, which wasn’t surprising. Many people, especially kids have a very hard time providing details about their bullying. I know, because I was exactly that way. So, I asked to meet Dave in person and a few days later he came by with Sue to the martial arts school. The moment they walked in I knew EXACTLY what was going on and why he was being bullied.

Dave looked completely normal. He was a typical looking eight year old boy. EXCEPT for one little thing.

He was wearing a bright yellow fishing hat!

It was a sunny day in Los Angeles without a cloud in the sky, and here he was wearing a fishing hat as if he were a 70 year old retiree on some lake looking to catch the ‘big one’.

After introducing ourselves I sat down with them and started to ask Dave some questions about the bullying he was experiencing. Sure enough, I was right. From the moment he started to wear the hat he got flak for it. The flak turned into hurtful teasing. The hurtful teasing turned friends into ex-friends. Now, Dave hung out by himself during recess and lunch to avoid the teasing and hurtful comments. The problem was that the self-imposed isolation made him an easier target, as no one other than a teacher would come to his defense when he was being verbally bullied.

We continued to talk and from our discussion I determined that he was being bullied socially, in this case verbally and by being actively excluded from groups. Upon hearing this, his mother felt she knew what to do. Without hesitation, Sue came up with a very elaborate and multi-tiered plan where she would contact the school administration, the teachers, and the parents of the bullies. She would force her son's school to have an assembly on bullying and would call in the local press to profile her efforts to defend her son.

Dave looked at me and, through his eyes communicated very clearly to me, 'Please, make her stop.'

'Don't worry. I've got this.', I silently communicated back.

After five minutes of the Sue's master plan I interrupted and said that I had another option.

'This may sound crazy, but what if your son... stopped wearing the hat?'

Sue was outraged! Why should her son have to change? He wasn't doing anything wrong. It was the people who bullied him who had the problem.

And she was right. But there was one problem with her logic. The bullies weren't open to listening to her, never mind being open consider the reality that they were in the wrong.

She continued to berate the bullies. Although I tried very hard I just couldn't get through to her. It was as though she was more concerned with the social injustice Dave was facing than the fact that he was being bullied. And that's when it hit me.

She was. That was exactly the case. Fighting bullying aimed at those who didn't go by societies 'norms' was her crusade.

I pulled her aside slightly out of earshot of her son.

I explained to Sue that I appreciated her stance, and agreed with it. I also explained to her that her personal vendetta against society's injustices isn't a fight her son should take on right now.

Infuriated, she demanded to know why her son shouldn't continue in the battle she had been personally fighting for over 40 years.

'The answer's simple', I responded. 'Your son doesn't have the same life experience, confidence, and convictions you've developed over those 40 years. It's not a fight he wants nor is it a fight he's prepared for.'

The mom saw my point. She was even a little embarrassed. I had helped her see that she was trying to continue her fight through her son. Even worse, she was expecting her son to be able to fight the same way she did, without the benefit of her years of life-experience at her disposal and all of the tools and emotional well-being an adult has developed.

All too often, I see parents encourage their kids to continue their often labeled 'weird' behavior without warning them about the realities they'll be facing, namely teasing, name calling, and bullying by exclusion. They expect their children to be able to call on the same sense of social justice they feel if someone were to unfairly judge and/or label them in a demeaning way.

The problem is that our kids aren't prepared for that, nor should they be. It's more important for our children to understand how society really works so that they can comprehend and even anticipate inappropriate behavior that is, or may be, directed at them. Once they have that understanding they will then be able to create the social and emotional tool set to take on the bullying that may come their way.

At that point I talked with Dave openly and candidly about how the real world sometimes works. I told him that he didn't have to stop wearing the hat, but that the he shouldn't expect to stop the teasing, name calling, and other types of bullying he was experiencing.

Dave didn't know what to do. He told me that he felt he shouldn't have to stop wearing his hat. I agreed. I then told him that he had a choice to make. The choices were:

1) Stop wearing the hat.
2) Wear the hat and continue to be victimized by the bulling.
3) Wear the hat, continue to be targeted by bullies, but refuse to be victimized by them.

He thought about the choices and decided to go with option 1 in the short term and option 3 in the long term. Dave made the right choice.

Dave stopped wearing the hat for the next few weeks. During that time we worked on his social skills, his ability to deflect and minimize name calling, as well as his self-esteem.

On week number 4 Dave wore his hat, but this time he was prepared. If someone made fun of it he would respond with, 'Thanks for noticing my hat. Glad you like it. If you want I can get one for you.' or some other response that would deflect and take the sting out of the verbal bullying.

And... It worked! Dave's inner strength, confidence, and ability to stand up for himself made people respect him. That respect transformed into several friendships and now the yellow fisherman hat is accepted as Dave's signature trademark. In other words, people came to accept it.

Interesting how weirdness can be combated with self-confidence. Whether Dave wears the hat for the rest of his life or not he now understands much better how society works, how to prevail when someone calls you weird, and the difference between being targeted by bullies and being victimized by them.
Thanks for reading the fourth blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com  





And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.  

Sincerely,  Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 
A.K.A. James Gavsie  
A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"

Taking the Sting out of Cyber Bullying

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #3

by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts
AKA James Gavsie

I remember one of my last meetings that I facilitated as a business analyst. This was years ago, in a previous life where I was supporting my, somewhat unhealthy, martial arts habit with a paycheck from the software industry.

The meeting itself was between two rival groups of software developers who had come to an impasse on some technical issues. These groups were further made up of individuals whose knowledge and technical expertise easily surpassed my own. I was tasked with facilitating the meeting so that the impasse could be resolved. In other words, I had to make sure everyone played nicely so that the two groups could come to a mutually agreeable decision. Before the meeting started, the topic of discussion was along the lines of which was better, Star Trek or Star Wars. Typical talk for this crowd.

The meeting started with an explosion of intense accusations, rude interruptions, and an overall lack of decorum. Keeping up with the techno jargon, as I'm sure you could imagine, was INSANELY hard to do. The terms being used may as well have been in a different language.

Not wanting to lose track of where the groups were I finally interrupted and asked them if they could use simpler terms so that I could better understand the various viewpoints being presented.

And then there was silence...

Everyone glanced around, looked at each other, and...

Started laughing hysterically!

Specifically, laughing at me.

There were belly laughs. There was finger pointing with name calling. My favorite was a comparison between me and the monkey that was launched into space in the 1960s. The monkey won because at least the monkey was smart enough to become an astronaut.

Fortunately, I had been in this position before. So, I waited. It took a few minutes but eventually the laughter and name calling died down.

Normally, I could let this type of thing roll off my back. What did I care if this group of people made fun of me? It wasn't like these were my friends or even direct colleagues. However, I was the assigned facilitator which meant I had to get results. If I didn't re-establish power I wouldn't be able to accomplish my task.

So, I stood up in order to get everyone's attention and said:

'Time for a quick survey. By a show of hands... Who here has actually kissed a girl? Anyone? Anyone at all? No? Yeah, I didn't think so. Let's get back to the meeting.'

This was a tactic I had used before as a facilitator, which was to bring the opposing sides together through through a mutual dislike for me.

What was the point of my story and how does this relate to cyber bullying?

With cyber bullying, the emotional turmoil felt by the recipients is done by a choice they make. It is a choice to allow yourself to feel negatively about something like cyber bullying. Is it easy to stay positive and not allow the cyber bullying to affect you? For some yes, for others not at first. Notice I said 'not at first'. The reality is that the more you exercise your emotional muscle to stay positive, regardless of the cyber bullies attack, the easier it gets to come to a point that cyber bullying will not affect you at all.

I chose to not allow the bullying in the boardroom to affect me.

Why? Well, firstly I didn't do anything wrong to merit the attack I received which meant that those making fun of me were being jerks. And if a jerk is making fun of me for something they shouldn't then the problem is clearly with them, not me.

Secondly, I knew there was a chance that I would be on the receiving end of some type of harsh reaction from one or both sides before I even went into the meeting. I put myself out there in such a way where there was a real possibility of being targeted. Instead of hoping that I would never be on the receiving end and/or targeted I accepted the reality of the situation and further understood that my position as a facilitator could make me an easy target. Once I really comprehended that fact, I chose to no longer allow myself to be affected by those who chose to launch an attack my way. I may have been targeted, but I chose to not allow myself to be victimized.

When a person goes online, whether it be through a profile on a social media website, email, or even texts, they put themselves out in the open. An easy path has now been created for a cyber bully to send a message your way and/or to inflict you with the fallout of their bullying.

That's the reality. So, the choices are twofold:

1) Do you stay away from going online?

2) Do you allow yourself to be affected by what the cyber bully says or does?

In today's world we're obviously going to stay online. The real choice is to either allow or not to allow the cyber bully to get to you emotionally. If we strengthen our resolve we can exercise that emotional muscle to such a degree where it's super strong and cyber bullying has little to no negative effect.

How do we do that? Simple. Surround yourself with those who are already at that point. Let their example be your roadmap. Examine how they remain unfazed by unwarranted criticisms, harsh words without merit, and biased attacks.

By the way, I'm NOT saying we should ignore cyber bullying. If it merits action then cyber bullying should be dealt with directly, aggressively, and definitively. But that's for another blog.

The bottom line is that, like other types of bullying, a cyber-bully typically has an issue, or issues, that they aren't dealing with properly and, as a result, they take it out on others. Don't let the negativity of their personal issues find their way to you!

Thanks for reading the third blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com

And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.

Sincerely,

Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

A.K.A. James Gavsie 

A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Should our kids fight back against the bully?

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #2

by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

AKA James Gavsie

Should our kids fight back against the bully?

Several years ago a group of my martial arts students asked if they could talk to me for a moment in private about something very troubling that was going on at their school. This was an odd request as this group of students, who all went to the same middle school, were normally a very fun bunch of kids. Their request to speak to me in private was given in a very serious tone, something I hadn’t seen from them before.

They were upset and very concerned about a new policy that was recently implemented at their school by the administration. It seemed that anyone caught fighting would be suspended. At first I didn’t see the problem. The most vocal of the group then made a very strong point by saying, “Anyone caught fighting will be suspended, including anyone who is fighting back!”

Took a while, but I finally understood. They continued to explain that there were a number of bullies at their school who would start fights. They couldn’t be ignored, talked down, or befriended. If one of these bullies targeted you it was only a matter of time before punches were being thrown your way and you’d either have to get beat up or fight back. In response to these beatings being given the school administration announced their new suspension policy. Instead of not putting an end to the fighting, as the bullies weren’t afraid of suspension from school as a consequence, it actually got many more people suspended… those students who fought back! My students confirmed that the few who stood up for themselves and fought back were also suspended and treated just as harshly as the bullies who attacked them.

My martial arts students had a real problem with the new policy. They felt it was wrong on a number of levels. They didn’t want to get in trouble with their school but they knew they would fight back if they had to.  On top of everything else, they wanted to tell their parents about this situation but didn’t know how to communicate the fact that they would possibly get suspended in the process of protecting themselves. They wanted to know my opinion.

After a little thought I realized that the answer was simple. If the bully couldn’t be avoided, talked down, or ignored, and they started to get violent there was no other clear choice but to fight back. Here’s why: If someone were to attack me I would be legally within my rights to fight back, as long as my severity matched that of the attacker. I explained this to the group and said that if the law applied to me in that way that it should also apply to them. Additionally, I thought about my son, specifically how I would want him to fight back if he was given no other choice.

I shared my thoughts with my students and told them that this was a dialog that had to continue with their parents. I volunteered to call them all.

When I spoke with the parents I was immediately struck by how conservative they were. They all definitely fit into the “Do not rock the BOAT” category. However, when I explained how their children were very concerned with this new rule and how they also would not allow themselves to be victimized by the school administration’s narrow viewpoint they all wholeheartedly agreed with them!

Asking for advice on what to do, I instructed the parents to make their voices heard with their children’s middle school. Not knowing how to word their discontent I suggested they make it clear that they wouldn’t condone an environment where children allow themselves to be the victim of what is legally termed aggravated assault. Additionally, I told them that their school had failed in their legal responsibility to provide a safe environment for their kids.

Many bullying experts advise to avoid using violence at all costs. As you can probably tell, I don’t agree. Being on the receiving end of an unjust violent encounter can be a soul crushing experience. To be unable to protect yourself against violence creates a devaluing of self-esteem and self-worth that can last a lifetime.

Here’s my stance on fighting back against bullying: If all else fails, and there is no other alternative, violence, of a reasonable severity, is an acceptable option. I further define the appropriate time to use violence as when ALL of the following conditions are met:

If you have no way of talking the bully down.

If you have no way of talking your way out of the situation.

If there is no adult or bystander that you can call out to in order to have them intervene.

If the bully is communicating with words or clear body language that they are about to become violent with you.

Additionally, another time that I advocate using violence is when the bully is hitting you or being otherwise violent with you.

Ask yourselves a simple question; if your child was getting violently bullied and there was no teacher, adult, or capable bystander around to stop the bully how would you want your son or daughter to react? If they allowed themselves to be victimized and did not fight back against a violent bully how would this affect them well into their teenage years, as well as adulthood?

The bottom line is that when it’s time to take a stand and every other recourse has failed to turn away the violent bully, violence IS an acceptable option.

And what happened to my students who had a problem with their middle school’s policy? They took a stand, with their parents backing them 100%, and made it clear that they would fight back if they had no other option. Oddly enough, although they were trained and more than prepared for it, they never found themselves having to fight back. Seems the bullies didn’t want to go after people who were confident, unafraid, and clearly not easy targets.

Thanks for reading the second blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com

And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.

Sincerely,

Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

A.K.A. James Gavsie 

A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"

The Bigger Shark Theory

The Bigger Shark Theory
The Renegade's Guide - Blog #1 

by: Mr. G 

AKA James Gavsie

Here's the deal; I used to get bullied a lot. And I mean a lot. I was beat up, teased, made fun of, etc. I got very familiar with the different types of bullying and the detrimental effects, both long and short term, that came with them.

And with that bullying came lots of advice on how to deal with it. Lots of really bad, completely ineffective, "this made things even worse", kind of advice. I still hear parents, teachers, and so-called bullying experts give out these not-so-helpful tips that were outdated in the 1950s, never mind today.

Some of my favorite (favorite as in comedically horrible) advice was to ignore the bully. I remember fondly when I was in grade school, as one particular older and much bigger bully was beating me up, how I was doing my best (both before and during the beating) to ignore him. Clearly that didn't work out too well and, you guessed it, ignorance sure wasn't bliss in this particular situation!

Another favorite anti-bullying tactic given to me was to use humor to mentally disarm the bully. Here's how that went:

Bully - "Nice shirt. Did your Grandma buy that for you?"

Young Mr. G - "Hey, I'm busy right now. Can I actively ignore you some other time?"

Bully - "You're dead!"

Young Mr. G, as he's enduring yet another beating - "I'm, ouch, ignoring you!"

And on and on it went, with lots of advice coming my way and absolutely none of it working!

Until that one, fateful day, where everything changed. I remember it like it was yesterday:

Bully - "Nice shirt. Did your Grandma buy that for you?

Young Mr. G - " Are you sad that you'll never be the man your mother is?"

Bully - "You're dead!"

Very large Italian fellow in his 20s but somehow still in High School who also knew my older brother and decided to look out for me - "What did you say?"

Bully, now not feeling so powerful - "uhhhhhh...... I didn't say anything."

Very Large Italian Fellow - "Leave this kid alone. I'm watching you."

Bully - "......"

As the Bully was running for his life I thanked the Very Large Italian Fellow (VLIF) and pondered what had just happened.

I realized that I had just witnessed the ultimate expression of bully defense in action. The term I created years later for this particular form of anti-bullying was... the "Bigger Shark".

Put simply, the "Bigger Shark" is someone of consequence to the bully that can make them immediately back off. And the "Bigger Shark" doesn't necessarily have to be of consequence physically to the Bully. Maybe it's someone who is very popular and has a lot of power in social structures. Maybe it's the Bully's older brother or sister who will consistently keep them in check.   The key is for the "Bigger Shark" to be of such consequence to the bully that they are stopped in their tracks.

I've talked to a great deal of educators, counselors, school administrations, and parents about bullying over the years. After one particular anti-bullying group discussion I had with a school administration not too long ago, a teacher approached me to discuss his feelings concerning the "Bigger Shark" strategy.

His position was that kids of all ages should be able to deal with problems themselves so that they can learn from them and grow as a person. He told me that using a "Bigger Shark" to fight problems the kids face at school would only be detrimental in their developmental process and that I should stop preaching it as a useful tool in anti-bullying. He felt very strongly about his position and used some 'colorful' language to let me know how wrong he thought I was.

"Why do they need to bring someone else in for help? Kids should be able to handle this situation!", he said in a very stern manner.

His arms were crossed, he was clearly angry, and he got in my personal space as if to communicate that, between the two of us, he was the Alpha male.

I remember smiling and thinking "Time for a pattern interrupt." I'll explain what that is in a later blog. Just know that it's a simple, but very powerful, tool to interrupt someone's present pattern of thought or behavior.

I said, "You realize that if I wanted your wallet, keys to your car, or anything else you might have on you, that there would be nothing you could do to stop me, right?"

Confused, the teacher responded with, "What...?"

"You heard me. If I wanted to take anything you had on you right now there wouldn't be a thing you could do to stop me. I'm not saying I want any of your stuff or that I would ever mug you forcibly. I'm only saying that if I chose to do so, right now, there's absolutely nothing you could do to stop me."

Now feeling very confused, unsure of himself, and probably a little scared, he said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"You don't need to apologize and I'm not upset. I'm just stating that if I wanted to take anything you had on you that you clearly don't have the ability to stop me. You know it and I know it. Really, what could you do?", I said.

The teacher stepped away from me, as if to make a safe distance between us, pulled out his phone and said, "I can call the police."

I smiled and said, "Why do you need to bring someone else in for help? Shouldn't you be able to handle this situation?"

He got my point, which was that even with our best efforts we'll need outside help from time to time. Everyone does. The "Bigger Shark" is the proactive help that our kids, including mine, need when they face something that they aren't necessarily equipped to deal with.

By the way, do you know who makes a great "Bigger Shark"? It's the former victims of bullying who were rescued by a "Bigger Shark" themselves. That's exactly what happened for me.

Thanks for reading the first blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com

And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.

Sincerely,

Mr. G 

A.K.A. James Gavsie 

A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"