Use Bribery to Beat Bullying! Yes, Bribery!

Renegade's Guide - Blog #9 by James Gavsie

Use Bribery to Beat Bullying! Yes, Bribery!

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! I have an official statement I need to make about bullying!

‘Bullies target shy kids!’

I know what you’re thinking. Who is this mysterious Harvard professor with a PhD in Child Psychology? What kind of Steven Hawking level genius is making this insane proclamation?

As obvious of a statement it may be the solution to overcoming shyness is not. Bullies in all their forms want easy targets. Shy kids fall under that category.

Why? Well, shy kids tend to not stand up for themselves as much as kids who are more social. Shy kids typically have less friends overall than kids who are not, and a large amount of friends is a proven bully deterrent. When I break down the less severe bullying cases I’ve dealt with in the past, I’ve noticed that shyness was a major factor in at least 40% of my clients, clients being both kids and adults.

Let me ask you this; How shy were you as kid? It was a huge problem for me. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is painfully shy and 10 is excruciatingly/painfully shy I would have registered as a 15.

There were so many reasons to literally shy away from people. I was overweight, not a great athlete, and had ZERO social skills. Sure, I had some friends but I remember it being a much less painful experience to hang out by myself. It was a simple equation, zero people around me meant zero chances of any bullying.

The bigger problem, however, was the fact that I wasn’t doing anything to overcome my shyness and fear of potential bullying. My social skills took a very LONG time to develop because I avoided situations where large groups of people gathered like the plague. I got over it, but it took a long time. Today I feel very comfortable walking into rooms where there are a lot of people I don’t know. Without a doubt in my mind, I’ll find someone interesting to talk to. To me large groups of new people represent a goldmine of potential new friends, new connections, and interesting experiences. In other words, I’m now the polar opposite of where I was when I was a kid. Or a teenager. Or a young adult.

So, how did I get over it? How did I overcome my paralyzing shyness? For me, it was because I didn’t have a choice. Moving from Canada to Atlanta, Georgia without knowing anyone literally forced me out of my comfort zone. One of the reasons I LOVE Atlanta is because of Southern Hospitality. I felt the people in Atlanta that I encountered reached out to me which made it much, much easier for me to reach out to them. That not only helped me overcome my shyness but developed a ‘social butterfly effect’. I started to meet people who were interesting, funny, helpful, etc. This meant the more people I met the more likely I would continue to encounter some absolutely amazing individuals. It was fun and exciting to not be shy anymore!

The problem is that that whole process took over twenty years, which doesn’t help those suffering from extreme shyness right now.

So I came up with a short cut. I’ve used this ‘method’ countless times throughout my anti-bullying consultation and it has had amazing results, sometimes eradicating shyness immediately.

Therapists and other child psychology specialists call it ‘Incentivizing’. I call it Bribery! A good friend of mine who is an exceptional child therapist informed me that incentivizing is the better term for what I’m advocating. He’s absolutely right! However, as I’m a Renegade by nature I’m going to stick with the term bribery.

Here’s an example of how I’ve ‘bribed’ shyness away;

A while ago a father brought his 8 year old son, let’s call him Mark, to see me. He was literally suffering from shyness, where even the thought of going into a new situation, such as recently trying out for a baseball team, would send him into a panic. Mark’s father admitted that Mark was somewhat socially awkward around other kids his age and would often be teased by things he would say. Mark wanted to have more friends but couldn’t come out of his self-imposed shell to meet new people. The bullying he encountered on a daily basis was clearly taking its toll. He was too worried about kids his own age making fun of him, or something he might say. This hit home with me.

Mark felt it was better to just stay at home and play video games because he had online friends he could virtually hang out with who liked him. Here was a situation where bullies targeted Mark because of his shyness. This, in turn, made Mark even more shy and pushed him further away from gaining the much needed social skills he desperately needed.

Mark’s dad, a guy’s guy, kept trying to convince Mark that he would keep getting bullied and pushed around if he didn’t change. He was absolutely right, but Mark wasn’t receptive to it. Mark’s father was beyond frustrated as he was the exact opposite of Mark when he grew up. He was popular, social, and a star athlete. Why couldn’t his son be the same? Mark’s father desperately wanted Mark to go to the next baseball try out which was scheduled for the weekend.

I knew what I had to do.

The first thing I did was ask Mark some questions in order to find out what did he liked to do, what video games did he like to play, etc. Turns out that, like MILLIONS of other kids throughout the world, Mark really liked to play Minecraft. He liked it so much that he wanted to become a moderator of a server, which I think meant he wanted to become the facilitator of the game in some way or form. Becoming a Moderator, however, required money to purchase a ‘server’. I’m not a Minecraft player so I’m not exactly sure what Mark was referring to but it did sound kind of cool. Mark also told me he really looked forward to Saturdays because he could play Minecraft all day!

I asked Mark how badly he wanted to be a moderator, or as he called it, a ‘Mod’. He came out of his shell immediately. He told me he wanted it more than anything. This further annoyed Mark’s father but I gave him a look that combined the messages of ‘Its okay I’ve got this’ and ‘Please, shut up.’ As a former techno nerd, I was communicating to Mark on a geek to geek level, something far beyond most normal people’s comprehension. We talked more about Minecraft and I purposely got Mark more and more excited about how great being a ‘Mod’ would be. Mark was supercharged with excitement and repeatedly expressed how he wished there was a way to get the money he so desperately needed.

‘I’ve got an idea!’ I said. ‘I know how you can make the money you need to be a ‘Mod’ on Minecraft.’

By this point, Mark’s father was fuming. The last thing he wanted was for Mark to be spending more time playing video games! Mark was going insane with visions of Minecraft excitement!

‘Here’s what you’re going to do. When you go to the Baseball try outs you will have to get the names of 10 kids, as well as an interesting fact about each of them. You’ll need 10 full names, and some piece of information about all of them. You’ll have to write them down and present the info to your father. If you do that, your father will give you the money you need.

This stopped Mark in his tracks. He started to process the task I had just given him. The mental and emotional math was going on his head, I could see it; ’10 Names + Baseball – Shyness = Minecraft Mod’. Mark’s father looked at me like I was crazy. I assured him I knew what I was doing… kind of.

Mark looked at me disapprovingly. Then thought about it some more.

‘You’re bribing me.’, Mark said accusingly.

‘I sure am!’ I said, with a huge smile!

We looked at each other for a second and then I asked Mark how badly he really wanted to be a Mod. This was the moment of truth.

Mark thought about the proposition one more time and said, ‘I’ll do it.’

Mark’s father’s jaw dropped.

I took some time with Mark to discuss how he could approach people he didn’t know, what he could say, etc. The great thing was that his motivation for the bribe eradicated a great deal of his shyness because he wasn’t focused on being teased or rejected by his peers. In other words, he was focused on the bribe itself. Mark’s father pulled me aside. He HATED this idea! Why did he have to bribe his son? Why couldn’t his son just listen and do what he was told? Why should he reward this behavior with even more time sitting in front of a computer? 

I gave Mark’s dad the harsh reality; Mark didn’t have the social skills to combat his shyness. I emphasized that we wanted results. Also, I reminded Mark’s father that baseball games in the league Mark was trying out for were on Saturday’s, the same day of the week Mark typically sat in front of his computer for hours on end. If he was on a team that played games on Saturday’s Mark’s available time to use his computer would be reduced dramatically! It was a win-win!

Sure enough it worked (Thank God!) Mark went to the baseball tryouts and met 10 new people! He got their names and an interesting fact about each one! His father gave him the money to be a ‘Mod’ on Minecraft. Mark made the team, and made some new friends. Did his shyness completely go away? No, but Mark now knows how to maneuver within a group of people he’s never met before. He knows how to talk with people he doesn’t know. He’s no longer preferring to be by himself.

And…. The bullies that use to torment him now leave him alone. By reducing Mark’s shyness he developed an ability to make good friends. These friends who stick up for him and, as a direct result, his self-esteem increased which gave him the ability to stick up for himself.

One bribe enabled Mark to gain the social skills that will serve him for a lifetime!

Sincerely,

Mr. G,

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

The #1 Assumption MILLIONS of Parents Make About Bullying

Renegade's Guide - Blog #9

by James Gavsie

It's that time of year again! Our kids are going back to school. Friends are re-united, new friends are made, and the social setting of our educational facilities is re-ignited. As parents, we go forward with a lot of Hope. Hope that is based on some basic assumptions.

If you take a second to think about it you realize that there are actually a great deal of assumptions parents make. We would like to assume that our kids are going back to school with other kids from families who share our values. We would like to assume that our kids will be in a safe learning environment. We REALLY want to assume that our kids will be benefitting from a good (hopefully great) education. As a parent myself I get it.

However, there is one assumption that is made that is completely wrong. It's an assumption that has been made by literally MILLIONS of parents. It is an assumption that I am certain has existed for well over fifty years, probably a whole lot more. It's an assumption that has unintentionally contributed to the misery, depression, and angst that countless students have experienced. The good news is that in this day and age of social media we have the ability to educate the masses and remove this assumption once and for all!

What is it? What is this one assumption parents make about our children that is so catastrophic? Well, here it is:

Parents ASSUME that schools can handle bullying. 

To elaborate, parents assume schools have all the tools necessary, including the willingness and desire, to fight bullying.

This assumption is completely false. In fact, I would put this assumption up there with other popular myths such as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Obama Care.

Our schools are designed to provide a structured education for our children. Additionally, schools may also offer after school programs, (somewhat) healthy lunches, and enrichment programs. When I take a step back and objectively look at the overall operation of an average public school I'm pretty amazed at the value it provides. Your typical public school really does a lot for the kids that attend. Add in the countless heartwarming stories of teachers going above and beyond for their students and you can surely see my point that our public schools are an amazing gift for our children. They do so much for so very little in return.

And there's the problem. Our schools do more than they can. They do much more than they were designed to do. However, combatting bullying is NOT something our public schools were ever designed for. This is a FACT!

So what do we do now that we know the truth? The first thing is to stop placing blame with the school in case your child is bullied. The second thing is to realize that YOU, the parent, bears the real responsibility to take action. It still amazes me to hear parents say that they hope their child won't be exposed to bullying. The reality is that they will be exposed to it, and most likely already have been. Anticipation of the inevitable is the key.

Let's replace our misplaced assumption about schools and bullying with another one. How about this?

No one cares as much about the welfare of my child as I do. 'I' being you, the parent.

I'm pretty sure we can all agree with this, right? Armed with this assumption parents should now also see the other truth, namely that they should be the ones who champion the anti-bullying campaign for their kids. In association with their school, that is.

There's a great expression in the fight game that directly applies to bullying at school; 'Don't leave the fight to the judges'. To translate, a fighter who doesn't finish his or her opponent in the match risks having the judges award the fight to their opponent. The fighter has to make sure they definitively win because if no winner is decided in the match the judges may, for some reason, pick the other fighter as the winner. In other words, the judges may pick a less than desirable result.

As parents, we are the proverbial fighters. If we leave the anti-bullying efforts our children need to the school and its administration we run the risk of having a less than desirable outcome for our kids. We need to take charge, work with the school, and help our children resolve the issue. One of the things I hear the most from frustrated parents of bullied children is that the school does either very little or sometimes absolutely nothing to fix the bullying problem.

To these parents I say that the school has hundreds of kids they need to serve and that their child is not, and cannot be, their top priority. Additionally, their school is probably already taking on more than it can handle.

We can't leave our child's bullying problems in the hands of the school. Assuming that the school can effectively and efficiently deal with bullying is absurd at best, disastrous at worst. Sure, I've seen some schools that have created amazing mechanisms and social responsibility amongst their student body that has made bullying into a small to non-issue. However, in my mind, those schools are the exception that prove the rule.

By the way, how do you think good schools would respond to parents getting involved and taking action in a responsible way to help with their child's bullying problems? If a parent were to take action and work WITH the teachers and administration the school would be THRILLED!

Remember, assumptions in general can be dangerous if we misinterpret them as fact. I live by another fun expression that says when you assume you may make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. When it comes to my kids, I avoid making assumptions that could prove detrimental. I highly recommend that you do the same.

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

How to teach your Kids to Stand Up for Themselves

Renegade's Guide - Blog #8

by James Gavsie

We all love the story of the bullied kid who gathers their courage and stands up to the bully. We’ve seen it in thousands of movies and TV shows; after getting beaten down relentlessly the underdog finally gathers their courage and successfully confronts the bully. It’s a story that remains popular to this day even though it’s been told millions of times in countless different ways. We never get tired of it. Ever.

And why is that? What is it about this story that makes it so emotionally compelling? Why do we love someone taking a stand?

I’ve got a theory.

The reason we’re so enamored with this story is because it represents strength, namely the strength that we wish we had when we were in a similar situation but unfortunately couldn’t call upon it.

When I consult with kids, teenagers, and adults who are being bullied I often hear them saying how they wish they had the inner strength to stand up to their respective bullies. Now keep in mind that many of the people who come to see me about their bullying issues have already seen a therapist, psychologist, or specialist of some sort. They’ve been told what to say to the bully. They’ve been told why they should stand up for themselves. They may have even been told how to do it.

But…

There’s still something missing. Gathering that inner strength to execute the anti-bullying game plan is the problem.

For some people it’s fairly easy. Oddly enough, these don’t seem to be the people that get bullied that often. For others, it’s much harder. And when I say others, I’m including myself. At least, how I used to be. I was the gentle giant, or rather the big overweight kid, who didn’t like fighting. I got bullied a lot. And although I knew what words to use and how to say them and even why I should stand up to the bullies the unfortunate truth is I simply didn’t have the courage to do so. This was how things were for me for ears until that one fateful day….

I was in high school in my freshman year. My older brother had befriended some seniors who were the legitimate toughest guys in high school. They had their drawbacks mind you. Sure, they had failed a few grades and were a few years older than everybody else. Sure they were very scary looking. Sure they intimidated anyone, including teachers, who looked at them wrong. However, they looked out for me and the other students who were getting bullied. Think of them as the bully’s bully.

By watching them I saw something interesting. I saw how they stood up for themselves and, more importantly, how they stood up for others that needed it. When I asked them why they defended others they said it was the right thing to do. And that was the catalyst that started me on my own personal transformation from Victim to Victor. To summarize the experience, I saw how inner strength was called upon and used.

They modeled the behavior and actions that I needed for myself. They gave me a visual blueprint to follow. In essence they led by example. That behavior that they modeled became much easier to copy and adopt as my own. Even many years later I can remember the strength of conviction they had when standing up for someone. I can still pull strength from that.

So how does that help us? It’s simple. If we want our kids to be able to stand up for themselves we, as parents, have to show them how to do it. Not just tell them about it. Not just say why it’s important to do so. We actually have to do it… for real. We have to stand up for ourselves and/or for someone else. And our kids have to be there to witness it. And then we have to talk about it with them.

Modeling behavior that we want for our kids to emulate has been used beautifully as a learning tool throughout the ages. In today’s society where we have so many different types of bullies it won’t take long to find yourself facing one of those situations where you’ll have to confront someone who treated you unfairly. Take that as an opportunity to stand up for yourself within viewing distance of your child. Let them see how you calmly and confidently confront the person who wronged you. If the bullying in question was unintentional demonstrate to your kids the reasonable way to deal with it. Show how you avoid over vilifying while at the same time communicating that you will not be pushed around.

And then discuss it openly. Ask your kids how they felt you handled the situation. Ask them what they would have done differently. Create the dialog.

This tactic works, and it works well. You just have to make sure that you can drum up the courage necessary to confront your bully. By doing so, your child will have a better grasp of how to do it for themselves.

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

Standing Up To The Bully

Renegade’s Guide – Blog #7

Standing Up To The Bully

My life is pretty interesting, which is great because I suffer from SRBS, otherwise known as ‘Shiny Red Ball Syndrome’. For those who are unfamiliar with this devastating illness, it simply means that when I’m bored I get distracted easily.

‘Okay. I’m halfway done with my taxes. If I push this I can be finished in no time… Oh, Look! A shiny red ball!’

One particular day I was shopping for groceries and, while I tried my best to keep focused on the task at hand, I found myself getting… so… very… BORED! SRBS was sneaking in and I started to look for something… anything.. to distract me from my self-imposed boredom.

And that’s when I heard it.

‘I’ll KNOCK OUT ANYONE WHO STEPS UP TO ME!!!!’

My boredom disappeared and my interest was piqued.

A vary large ‘gentleman’ at the checkout counter was causing a scene. Seems he was disputing the price of a particular item and wasn’t too appreciative of the cashier’s attempts to help him. The next person in line graciously offered to pay for the items, but the large gentleman repeated his threat of knocking anyone out who got in his way.

The cashier was scared, as was the poor guy bagging groceries.

The paid security guard was nowhere to be found. Everyone else in line behind the ‘large gentleman’ was nervous and unsure of what to do. Anytime anyone said anything the large man would snap a threat right back at them. Things were getting out of hand quickly.

I did a quick assessment and came to the conclusion that this guy was having a bad day, and probably wasn’t necessarily a bad ‘guy’.

Keep in mind there’s a world of difference between the two as well as how they should be confronted. I was fairly confident that if I made my presence known that he would calm down. I didn’t want to fight this guy and I was pretty sure, if he was confronted the right way, he wouldn’t want to fight me either.

I made my way through the line of customers and stood about 6 feet away from him. I positioned myself to make sure he would see me. Instead of turning towards the check out counter I stood directly facing him.

Sure enough he turned around and saw me. His threats stopped. I wouldn’t say that he was scared, but he was certainly aware that someone was there who not only wasn’t afraid of him but also looked liked he could fight. We stared at each other for a couple of seconds, with which he calmed down, quickly paid for his items and left.

Without incident, he left.

However, a few seconds later he came back… and apologized to the people he yelled at.

‘Interesting’, I thought.

He felt remorseful about what he did, which confirmed my suspicion that he was just having a bad day, as opposed to being a bad guy.

I continued with my shopping as I now had this ‘incident’ to think about. It was obvious to me that this was a clear cut case of bullying. It was a lot of other things, as well. However, it was the bullying aspect that fascinated me the most.

Why did he snap?

Why did he think doing this at the grocery store was a good idea? Why did he have to yell threats at people?

The answer to all of these questions was the same; He thought he could get away with it. Sure, there was more to it. Something had caused him to lash out and lose control. But whereas most people would contain themselves he chose not to.

On the other hand, I was very happy with myself. I was able to help in calming down a potentially bad situation in a non-violent manner. Also, I was confident in how I did so. On top of that I wasn’t afraid to stand up for the people being bullied. It was one of those times where I felt the years of martial arts training had paid off beautifully.

And then it hit me…

How great would it have been if I was able to the same thing, with the same amount of confidence, when I was a kid? It would have been great! Beyond great! Amazingly, fantastically, great!

And then I came to the realization that, as a kid, I wouldn’t have had the same confidence that I do now because I simply wouldn’t have had the life experience nor the martial arts training that would be necessary to establish that level of confidence in the first place.

In fact, is it unfair to expect kids who do not possess an abundance of confidence to be able to stand up against a bully on behalf of someone else? Or even themselves? I believe it is.

There are a lot of kids, of all ages, in schools today who don’t have the emotional or physical tools to stand up to bullies, whether they are being bullied themselves or simply find themselves as a bystander.

But they can acquire them.

The physical tools represent the easier skill set to acquire. Whether it’s through sports, martial arts, etc., confidence in oneself physically can be obtained, as it’s a fairly straightforward process.

The emotional tools, however, are little trickier. I wonder if educators at schools really understand the folly in their words when they state a child can obtain the necessary socialization, and social skills, through interaction with their peers. I’m not saying kids can’t get what they need. I’m simply saying that a lot of kids don’t.

So where does that leave those who don’t have the emotional confidence to stand up for themselves or for someone else? How can they get the confidence and social skills they need, if not from school?

The answer lies in us; the parents, coaches, and instructors. Our job is to model the desired behavior for our kids so that they can see firsthand what it’s like to stand up for our selves, or someone else. Additionally, our ‘job’ responsibilities also require us to talk to kids about what we’re feeling and thinking about as we’re standing up. Our kids need an example to draw strength from which, in turn, helps them to better understand not just how but also why we need to stand up to bullying. Plus, it further cements in their minds the strong and emotionally stable mindset they should have when confronted with a bully.

One thing I do with my son is talk openly about incidents where I have to stand up for myself or someone else. I draw upon the Socratic Method of learning where I ask him a lot of questions, such as ‘What would you have done?’ or ‘How do you think I handled the situation?’ This gets us into some very interesting conversations about confrontations and how to manage them.

As adults, we have years of experience and (hopefully) an emotionally stable platform to help us stand up to those who would try to bully us. Therefore, it’s up to us to help our kids benefit from our hard earned life lessons so that they can take a great short cut towards obtaining the confidence and courage that we so greatly want them to have!

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

Emotional Bullying – What you get may not be what you receive…

Renegade’s Guide – Blog #6

Emotional Bullying – What you get may not be what you receive…

Here’s a math problem for you; when does x not equal x? Let me make this even easier, when does 2 not equal 2?

Not a math wizard or an expert in algebra? Here’s the deal…

A bully often has no exact understanding of the kind of emotional turmoil they may be inflicting on their victim. An isolated shove, a disrespectful comment, or the spreading of a small rumor may be, to the bully at least, a 2 out of 10 on the emotionally hurtful scale, with 1 being no pain and 10 being emotional pain that is beyond unbearable.

So, when they shove someone in the hallway the actual incident is viewed very differently by both the bully and his or her victim. To the victim, it was another personal attack that both demeaned and disrespected. It took what little self-esteem he had and diminished it even further. It was a bad day made even worse. On the same emotional turmoil scale that shove was an 8..at least.

It’s an important distinction to make. Emotionally speaking, the shover and the shovee look at the incident from two completely different perspectives. The giver of the shove doesn’t give the incident much weight. The shovee, however, associates a great deal of emotional turmoil to it and does give it a great deal of weight.

The bullying that the shove represents is a big problem that has to be dealt with. However, the victim’s ability to properly assess the attack for what it was and, more importantly, what it wasn’t is even more important. Was this the first shove or the latest of many? Does the bully have an idea of what kind of harm they’re doing or are they thinking they’re just having a little bit of fun?

More importantly, is the victim taking the bullying too harshly? Are they misinterpreting a bully’s emotionally hurtful ‘poke with a stick’ as a sinister ‘nuclear bomb’ of emotional pain? Look, I’m all for dealing with the bully justly and fairly but the punishment should fit the crime. And in this case the emotional pain felt by the victim shouldn’t exceed the emotional attack delivered. This isn’t necessarily about having a ‘thicker skin’, but more along the lines of being in control of your emotional self.

In my adventures with bullying, this particular lesson was really hard for me to comprehend, never mind learn. It was until a little incident I had that took place years after one bullying session in particular.

I was at a restaurant in Toronto on a visit back to Canada. Looking over at the bar area I saw a familiar face that I hadn’t seen in years. It was Jake, a social bully who spread rumors about me in high school and was also great at making fun of me in front of his friends. Although I thought I had put his bullying behind me one look at him told me otherwise. The emotional pain I felt as a young man in High School came flooding back to me. This was an opportunity. I had to confront Jake! Of course things were a little different now…

I was a lot bigger. I was a lot stronger. I had become a pretty good fighter through years of hard martial arts training. To say I was confident in my physical abilities was an understatement. As I was approaching Jake I had visions of him cowardly backing away, begging for forgiveness. I tapped him on the shoulder, waited for him to turn around, and said, ‘Hi, Jake. Remember me?’

Jake looked up at me and took a second to figure out who I was.

‘James, how are you!’ was his response. That, and a big hug. I was caught completely off guard. Jake went on to ask me question after question regarding what I was up to, where was I living, etc. He was very positive, gracious, and like able. I forced myself to remember him as the Bully. After exchanging some pleasantries I talked to him about high school, specifically the name calling, the rumors, etc. Jake looked surprised. He remembered some of it, but to him it was just him having fun as he didn't mean to make me upset. 

‘You were really mad about that?’ he asked.

‘Oh, yeah…’ I responded with what I’m now ashamed to say was an evil smile.

At that point I was ready for things to get heated. Here was one of my high school tormentors right in front of me. I was ready for anything. Actually, I was more than ready. I wanted him to say or do something. It was like I was coming to the rescue of my younger self. And then he did something I wasn't prepared for.

He said ‘I’m really sorry. I didn't know. What can I do to make up for it?’

His apology was sincere. I’ve seen many insincere apologies and this wasn’t one of them. He felt badly and wanted to really know what he could do to fix things. That’s when it hit me. He was a bully, that’s for sure. But he wasn’t any more. I could continue to dislike his past actions but there was no reason to keep disliking him. He had grown and moved forward as a person. The other realization, even bigger than the first, hit me even harder.

His bullying should not have affected me as severely as it did. He gave me an emotional 2 but I interpreted it as an 8. I did that, not him.

I quickly changed the subject back to what he was up to. We talked for quite some time and shared some memories.

Turns out he was bullied, too. I had no idea.

As we said our goodbyes I started to go through many of my personal bullying episodes and began to think how I may have misinterpreted and magnified the pain that was sent my way.

As a parent, I now understand how important it is to help kids with their emotional pain management, namely helping them to understand that a hurtful comment or a shove may not be the devastating attack they feel it to be.

Should we still deal with it seriously? Of course! However, giving more weight to an instance of bullying not only ill prepares our kids to deal with it as they grow up but also tends to over punish, as well as over criminalize, the bully. After all, the punishment should always fit the crime.

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie, author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

Follow me on Twitter @jamesgavsie

Good Kid Versus Nice Kid - Which One Do You Want?

Good Kid Versus Nice Kid - Which One Do You Want?

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #5

by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts

AKA James Gavsie

I hear it from parents ALL the time.

‘My son is a pushover, he won’t stand up for himself. He’s too nice.’

‘My daughter let’s her friends walk all over her and she won’t say anything because she’s worried they won’t like her anymore. She’s too nice to them.’

‘My child is too nice to be confrontational.’

The label of ‘nice’ is meaning something completely different than it’s traditional definition. ‘Nice’ is the polite way of saying ‘weak’.

So, if nice is the new weak, what’s the new word for strong?

It’s ‘good’.

And therein lies my question.

What’s the difference between a nice person and a good person?

Let me take it a step further. What’s the difference between a nice kid and a good kid? And, since this a blog that centers around anti-bullying, how does being nice versus being good help?

The answer lies in the definition of each term.

A nice kid is someone who wants to be well liked, so much so that when they get pushed around, teased, disrespected, etc., they become a door mat and take the abuse. Why? Because if they stand up for themselves they may not be well liked by that person anymore. They confuse interaction with friendship.

A good kid is someone who wants to be well liked but will stand up for themselves when they get pushed around, teased, disrespected, etc. In other words, being respected means more to them than being liked.

Guess which one I think bullies will target much more?

You’ve guessed it! It’s the nice kid!

Why? Well, the nice kid will quickly demonstrate that they can be pushed around and not push back. They establish themselves as an easy target. They want to be liked so much that they confuse the interaction with those that push them around as friendship as opposed to abusive behavior.

On the flip side, the good kid quickly establishes themselves as someone who will confront a person who is being disrespectful. Remember, a bully wants an easy target, which translates to someone who won’t fight back or have the ability to get them in trouble. A good kid may be initially targeted, but the Bully quickly learns that they won’t be able to turn their target into a victim.

Let’s take this a step further.

A good kid won’t be afraid of a confrontation. This means the good kid will confront a bully if getting pushed around, talk to a teacher (respectfully, of course) when they disagree with a grade they received, and will apologize and do their best to fix a problem they may have caused. A good kid will also not allow themselves to be overly manipulated, as they know what is within reason and where they should draw the line.

A nice kid, however, will be afraid of confrontation. The nice kid will not confront the bully, will accept the bad grade even if they disagree with it, and will go way overboard when it comes to fixing a problem as they want to retain their ‘friendships’ (as unhealthy as they may be). A nice kid will allow themselves to be manipulated, even when they know it’s unreasonable as they desperately want to please everyone.

Let’s take this another step further. Let’s go into the future by ten years where our kids our now in high school or college. Where kind of friends does the ‘nice’ guy have? Who does the ‘nice’ girl end up dating? What kind of social circles, or lack thereof, does the nice guy or girl have? Who will stand up for them in case they get cyber bullied? We know they will not be standing up for themselves.

In another 10 years, what kind of career does the nice guy have? Will they self-advocate for a promotion? Will they be able to go to their boss or supervisor and ask for a raise or discuss a problem? Will they be dating, or even marry, the person they want or will they settle for someone who is ‘good enough’?

So, after reading all of this, which label do you want for your kids?

Do you want them to be nice or good?

Sincerely,  

Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 

A.K.A. James Gavsie  

A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Stopping Bullies"

The Weird Kid

The Renegade's Guide - Blog #4
by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts
AKA James Gavsie

We all know that kid. You know which one I’m talking about. The kid who likes to dress differently. The kid who says things that are socially awkward. The kid who is overly obsessed with something that has no business being obsessed about.

I’m talking about… shudder… the WEIRD kid!

In every school there’s always at least one person who is given that designation. As a parent, I have to be very open with the fact that I don’t want my kids to be labeled that way.

Why?

It has nothing to do with whether or not they are, in fact, weird. With me as their dad the odds are looking pretty favorable that they’ll have some weirdness to them. No, my concern about the ‘weird kid’ label is more about whether or not they can handle the social ostracizing that comes with it.

Yes, in case you’re wondering, ‘Ostracizing’ is the biggest word I know.

A few years ago I consulted with a mom (let's call her Sue) whose son (let's call him Dave) was being bullied. The bullying was verbal in nature and was very troubling for Dave. I asked Sue my typical questions about the circumstances of the bullying and, from her answers, couldn’t pinpoint the exact issue. Sure, Dave was being teased openly but she couldn’t tell me what her eight year old was being teased about. It sounded like he wasn’t revealing everything to her, which wasn’t surprising. Many people, especially kids have a very hard time providing details about their bullying. I know, because I was exactly that way. So, I asked to meet Dave in person and a few days later he came by with Sue to the martial arts school. The moment they walked in I knew EXACTLY what was going on and why he was being bullied.

Dave looked completely normal. He was a typical looking eight year old boy. EXCEPT for one little thing.

He was wearing a bright yellow fishing hat!

It was a sunny day in Los Angeles without a cloud in the sky, and here he was wearing a fishing hat as if he were a 70 year old retiree on some lake looking to catch the ‘big one’.

After introducing ourselves I sat down with them and started to ask Dave some questions about the bullying he was experiencing. Sure enough, I was right. From the moment he started to wear the hat he got flak for it. The flak turned into hurtful teasing. The hurtful teasing turned friends into ex-friends. Now, Dave hung out by himself during recess and lunch to avoid the teasing and hurtful comments. The problem was that the self-imposed isolation made him an easier target, as no one other than a teacher would come to his defense when he was being verbally bullied.

We continued to talk and from our discussion I determined that he was being bullied socially, in this case verbally and by being actively excluded from groups. Upon hearing this, his mother felt she knew what to do. Without hesitation, Sue came up with a very elaborate and multi-tiered plan where she would contact the school administration, the teachers, and the parents of the bullies. She would force her son's school to have an assembly on bullying and would call in the local press to profile her efforts to defend her son.

Dave looked at me and, through his eyes communicated very clearly to me, 'Please, make her stop.'

'Don't worry. I've got this.', I silently communicated back.

After five minutes of the Sue's master plan I interrupted and said that I had another option.

'This may sound crazy, but what if your son... stopped wearing the hat?'

Sue was outraged! Why should her son have to change? He wasn't doing anything wrong. It was the people who bullied him who had the problem.

And she was right. But there was one problem with her logic. The bullies weren't open to listening to her, never mind being open consider the reality that they were in the wrong.

She continued to berate the bullies. Although I tried very hard I just couldn't get through to her. It was as though she was more concerned with the social injustice Dave was facing than the fact that he was being bullied. And that's when it hit me.

She was. That was exactly the case. Fighting bullying aimed at those who didn't go by societies 'norms' was her crusade.

I pulled her aside slightly out of earshot of her son.

I explained to Sue that I appreciated her stance, and agreed with it. I also explained to her that her personal vendetta against society's injustices isn't a fight her son should take on right now.

Infuriated, she demanded to know why her son shouldn't continue in the battle she had been personally fighting for over 40 years.

'The answer's simple', I responded. 'Your son doesn't have the same life experience, confidence, and convictions you've developed over those 40 years. It's not a fight he wants nor is it a fight he's prepared for.'

The mom saw my point. She was even a little embarrassed. I had helped her see that she was trying to continue her fight through her son. Even worse, she was expecting her son to be able to fight the same way she did, without the benefit of her years of life-experience at her disposal and all of the tools and emotional well-being an adult has developed.

All too often, I see parents encourage their kids to continue their often labeled 'weird' behavior without warning them about the realities they'll be facing, namely teasing, name calling, and bullying by exclusion. They expect their children to be able to call on the same sense of social justice they feel if someone were to unfairly judge and/or label them in a demeaning way.

The problem is that our kids aren't prepared for that, nor should they be. It's more important for our children to understand how society really works so that they can comprehend and even anticipate inappropriate behavior that is, or may be, directed at them. Once they have that understanding they will then be able to create the social and emotional tool set to take on the bullying that may come their way.

At that point I talked with Dave openly and candidly about how the real world sometimes works. I told him that he didn't have to stop wearing the hat, but that the he shouldn't expect to stop the teasing, name calling, and other types of bullying he was experiencing.

Dave didn't know what to do. He told me that he felt he shouldn't have to stop wearing his hat. I agreed. I then told him that he had a choice to make. The choices were:

1) Stop wearing the hat.
2) Wear the hat and continue to be victimized by the bulling.
3) Wear the hat, continue to be targeted by bullies, but refuse to be victimized by them.

He thought about the choices and decided to go with option 1 in the short term and option 3 in the long term. Dave made the right choice.

Dave stopped wearing the hat for the next few weeks. During that time we worked on his social skills, his ability to deflect and minimize name calling, as well as his self-esteem.

On week number 4 Dave wore his hat, but this time he was prepared. If someone made fun of it he would respond with, 'Thanks for noticing my hat. Glad you like it. If you want I can get one for you.' or some other response that would deflect and take the sting out of the verbal bullying.

And... It worked! Dave's inner strength, confidence, and ability to stand up for himself made people respect him. That respect transformed into several friendships and now the yellow fisherman hat is accepted as Dave's signature trademark. In other words, people came to accept it.

Interesting how weirdness can be combated with self-confidence. Whether Dave wears the hat for the rest of his life or not he now understands much better how society works, how to prevail when someone calls you weird, and the difference between being targeted by bullies and being victimized by them.
Thanks for reading the fourth blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com  





And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.  

Sincerely,  Mr. G,

Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts 
A.K.A. James Gavsie  
A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"