The Renegade's Guide - Blog #4
by: Mr. G, Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts
AKA James Gavsie
We
all know that kid. You know which one I’m talking about. The kid who
likes to dress differently. The kid who says things that are socially
awkward. The kid who is overly obsessed with something that has no
business being obsessed about.
I’m talking about… shudder… the WEIRD kid!
In
every school there’s always at least one person who is given that
designation. As a parent, I have to be very open with the fact that I
don’t want my kids to be labeled that way.
Why?
It has
nothing to do with whether or not they are, in fact, weird. With me as
their dad the odds are looking pretty favorable that they’ll have some
weirdness to them. No, my concern about the ‘weird kid’ label is more
about whether or not they can handle the social ostracizing that comes
with it.
Yes, in case you’re wondering, ‘Ostracizing’ is the biggest word I know.
A
few years ago I consulted with a mom (let's call her Sue) whose son
(let's call him Dave) was being bullied. The bullying was verbal in
nature and was very troubling for Dave. I asked Sue my typical questions
about the circumstances of the bullying and, from her answers, couldn’t
pinpoint the exact issue. Sure, Dave was being teased openly but she
couldn’t tell me what her eight year old was being teased about. It
sounded like he wasn’t revealing everything to her, which wasn’t
surprising. Many people, especially kids have a very hard time providing
details about their bullying. I know, because I was exactly that way.
So, I asked to meet Dave in person and a few days later he came by with
Sue to the martial arts school. The moment they walked in I knew EXACTLY
what was going on and why he was being bullied.
Dave looked completely normal. He was a typical looking eight year old boy. EXCEPT for one little thing.
He was wearing a bright yellow fishing hat!
It
was a sunny day in Los Angeles without a cloud in the sky, and here he
was wearing a fishing hat as if he were a 70 year old retiree on some
lake looking to catch the ‘big one’.
After introducing ourselves I
sat down with them and started to ask Dave some questions about the
bullying he was experiencing. Sure enough, I was right. From the moment
he started to wear the hat he got flak for it. The flak turned into
hurtful teasing. The hurtful teasing turned friends into ex-friends.
Now, Dave hung out by himself during recess and lunch to avoid the
teasing and hurtful comments. The problem was that the self-imposed
isolation made him an easier target, as no one other than a teacher
would come to his defense when he was being verbally bullied.
We
continued to talk and from our discussion I determined that he was
being bullied socially, in this case verbally and by being actively
excluded from groups. Upon hearing this, his mother felt she knew what
to do. Without hesitation, Sue came up with a very elaborate and
multi-tiered plan where she would contact the school administration, the
teachers, and the parents of the bullies. She would force her son's
school to have an assembly on bullying and would call in the local press
to profile her efforts to defend her son.
Dave looked at me and, through his eyes communicated very clearly to me, 'Please, make her stop.'
'Don't worry. I've got this.', I silently communicated back.
After five minutes of the Sue's master plan I interrupted and said that I had another option.
'This may sound crazy, but what if your son... stopped wearing the hat?'
Sue
was outraged! Why should her son have to change? He wasn't doing
anything wrong. It was the people who bullied him who had the problem.
And
she was right. But there was one problem with her logic. The bullies
weren't open to listening to her, never mind being open consider the
reality that they were in the wrong.
She continued to berate the
bullies. Although I tried very hard I just couldn't get through to her.
It was as though she was more concerned with the social injustice Dave
was facing than the fact that he was being bullied. And that's when it
hit me.
She was. That was exactly the case. Fighting bullying aimed at those who didn't go by societies 'norms' was her crusade.
I pulled her aside slightly out of earshot of her son.
I
explained to Sue that I appreciated her stance, and agreed with it. I
also explained to her that her personal vendetta against society's
injustices isn't a fight her son should take on right now.
Infuriated,
she demanded to know why her son shouldn't continue in the battle she
had been personally fighting for over 40 years.
'The answer's
simple', I responded. 'Your son doesn't have the same life experience,
confidence, and convictions you've developed over those 40 years. It's
not a fight he wants nor is it a fight he's prepared for.'
The
mom saw my point. She was even a little embarrassed. I had helped her
see that she was trying to continue her fight through her son. Even
worse, she was expecting her son to be able to fight the same way she
did, without the benefit of her years of life-experience at her disposal
and all of the tools and emotional well-being an adult has developed.
All
too often, I see parents encourage their kids to continue their often
labeled 'weird' behavior without warning them about the realities
they'll be facing, namely teasing, name calling, and bullying by
exclusion. They expect their children to be able to call on the same
sense of social justice they feel if someone were to unfairly judge
and/or label them in a demeaning way.
The problem is that our
kids aren't prepared for that, nor should they be. It's more important
for our children to understand how society really works so that they can
comprehend and even anticipate inappropriate behavior that is, or may
be, directed at them. Once they have that understanding they will then
be able to create the social and emotional tool set to take on the
bullying that may come their way.
At that point I talked with
Dave openly and candidly about how the real world sometimes works. I
told him that he didn't have to stop wearing the hat, but that the he
shouldn't expect to stop the teasing, name calling, and other types of
bullying he was experiencing.
Dave didn't know what to do. He
told me that he felt he shouldn't have to stop wearing his hat. I
agreed. I then told him that he had a choice to make. The choices were:
1) Stop wearing the hat.
2) Wear the hat and continue to be victimized by the bulling.
3) Wear the hat, continue to be targeted by bullies, but refuse to be victimized by them.
He
thought about the choices and decided to go with option 1 in the short
term and option 3 in the long term. Dave made the right choice.
Dave
stopped wearing the hat for the next few weeks. During that time we
worked on his social skills, his ability to deflect and minimize name
calling, as well as his self-esteem.
On week number 4 Dave wore
his hat, but this time he was prepared. If someone made fun of it he
would respond with, 'Thanks for noticing my hat. Glad you like it. If
you want I can get one for you.' or some other response that would
deflect and take the sting out of the verbal bullying.
And... It
worked! Dave's inner strength, confidence, and ability to stand up for
himself made people respect him. That respect transformed into several
friendships and now the yellow fisherman hat is accepted as Dave's
signature trademark. In other words, people came to accept it.
Interesting
how weirdness can be combated with self-confidence. Whether Dave wears
the hat for the rest of his life or not he now understands much better
how society works, how to prevail when someone calls you weird, and the
difference between being targeted by bullies and being victimized by
them.
Thanks
for reading the fourth blog of the Renegade's Guide. If you agree with
what I have to say, or would like to make a comment about it, please
feel free to do so by sending an email to: info@maximpactma.com
And if you disagree with what I have to say I especially want to hear from you! Who knows? You may be able to show me a different point of view. I'm definitely open to it.
Sincerely, Mr. G,
Founder of Max Impact Martial Arts
A.K.A. James Gavsie
A.K.A. author of the soon to be released book "The Renegade's Guide to Anti-Bullying"
